


Broken

by laissemoidanser



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Angst and Humor, Destroy Ending, M/M, Physical Disability, Post-Canon, Post-Reaper War
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-27
Updated: 2017-05-18
Packaged: 2018-10-11 18:13:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 35,406
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10471056
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/laissemoidanser/pseuds/laissemoidanser
Summary: Shepard survives the explosion on Citadel and finds himself on the salarian space station. Post-canon





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Ok, I have a lot of feels I need to process. Let's see where this fic goes

Shepard woke up to a steady muffled murmur of voices. His mind registered vaguely how heavily he was breathing, as if he had a severe form of flu, and that half of his face was bandaged, obstructing his vision. He could see nothing but some fuzzy outlines through his right eye. Shepard tried to move, but his body wouldn’t comply, his right hand felt unnaturally heavy and cold, a lifeless weigh on his chest. Shepard tried to speak, to turn his head, but all he managed was a faint, barely audible groan.

A salarian appeared in the field of vision of his only good eye, then another one, and another one. They looked at John intently with their large, impassive eyes.

“Where am I?” John tried to ask, bur only another weak groan broke out from his lips.

“Patient shows sights of consciousness. Vitals stable. But too early. Shouldn’t be awake yet.”

“Do we inject with sedative, doctor?”

“Yes. Just a small dose. Body’s too weak. Should be sufficient. Notify patient’s close ones. Preferably.”

“Admiral Hackett’s on the line already, inquiring –”

Darkness again.

***

 

When he came back to reality for the second time, things hardly changed, except that his only uncovered eye saw a bit more clearly, his hands no longer seemed so cold, and he felt something warm and heavy on his stomach. Shepard was able to tilt his head slightly and saw Kaidan peacefully sleeping in a crouched position right on his bed. He was holding Shepard’s hand in his sleep. With an effort Shepard lifted his free hand to look at it. It was so unusually heavy, so damn clunky. What he saw appalled him, but he was so weak and so pumped with painkillers that his horror practically didn’t differ from a simple awareness. Shepard wiggled his mechanical fingers several times. They seemed to react to his brain signals with delay, and creaked softly as the material was completely new and unused. Shepard turned his artificial arm, examining the fine lines of glowing artificial veins and wiring in place of the real ones. What happened to him? Did he survive the explosion on the Citadel?

John carefully placed his artificial arm back over his chest, afraid to touch Kaidan with it. Instead he gently released his second, real hand and ran his fingers through the soft black hair of his lover, threaded with even more silver now than it was the last time he saw him. The sting of guilt in his heart felt much sharper than the horror of realization that he’d lost his arm. He remained surprisingly indifferent to how many limbs he might have lost in this war. It was the third time he miraculously escaped death. But he wasn’t indifferent at all to what Kaidan had to go through when he left him behind, back there, by the beam.

Kaidan was waking up now from the gentle touch, he opened his eyes slowly and looked at him. Shepard attempted to smile, but it seemed that only one half of his face was functional enough. He ran his good hand over the major’s cheek, touched his fingers to the scattering of freckles over his eyebrow, not quite believing that all this was real.

“Hey!” Kaidan smiled at him. “You’re awake!”

“K…” Shepard croaked faintly.

Kaidan reached over to him and kissed his lips gently before pressing his forehead against Shepard’s.

“I thought I’ve lost you, John,” Kaidan said, sighing loudly. “I thought I was prepared for this, but …”

The major couldn’t find words, but Shepard understood him perfectly.

“I promised …” he whispered, clutching Kaidan’s hand tighter. “… that I’ll come back.”

Kaidan chuckled softly, holding Shepard close. John could feel his warm breath on his cheek, could feel every sweep of his eyelashes.

“I know, and I believed that you would, John.”

“Look… what did…tell me, how much more electronic shit they stuffed me with?”

The strength was leaving him again, his hold on Keidan’s hand was weakening. Kaidan kissed him on the corner of his lips and sat down next to him. John tried to keep him in view, but his eyelids were growing heavier.

“Only your arm, John. The rest of you doctors managed to save. Don’t worry. You are healing up fast. They even … they can’t even switch you from one device to another quickly enough. You’re doing so fine. And you gonna make it.”

“K, everything I’ve told you back there. It was all true, you know…I love you. So much. I’m glad you’re here.”

“I know, John.” Kaidan smiled and held John’s  good hand to his lips. “I love you too. Now you should rest.”

Shepard still couldn’t believe that he was alive. That it wasn’t a dream. Not some kind of other world on a new side of mass relay. Not someone’s evil joke. That there was no trick here. That Illusive Man was dead and wouldn’t appear out of nowhere, wouldn’t tell him that all this had been somehow recreated for Shepard’s sake, for the good of humanity, that Kaidan was actually a clone who secretly dreamed of getting his hands on Normandy …

Shepard closed his eyes and once again fell into a deep dreamless darkness.

 


	2. Chapter 2

 

Over the next few weeks Shepard was making a lot of progress and there were quite a number of people who wished to visit him. Admiral Hackett was one of them. He arrived to the station among the first, expressed his best wishes and his gratitude, and, fortunately, he didn’t start asking the commander whether he was going to step back into the ranks after full rehabilitation.

"I wish you a speedy recovery, Shepard. What you’ve accomplished for all of us, for humanity, for the entire galaxy - will never be forgotten.”

“Thank you, sir.”

"Now I only hope that you are in safe hands here. That Alenko will look after you and make sure you receive the best medical care. Salarians moved one of their hospital stations closer to Earth, and we’re grateful for it. With all the victims and refugees, we will need all the help we can get. But if you feel uncomfortable here, you don’t hesitate to let me know.”

“Of course, sir. And, thank you, sir, this all is good enough for me. I wanted to ask you something, admiral...”

Shepard went quiet, lowered his eyes and started fiddling with the blanket. He wasn’t sure he was able to ask...”

"About Anderson?" Hackett asked him softly.

Shepard nodded briefly.

"He was... he was buried on Earth. In London, just liked he wished to. Together with Kahlee Sanders.

Shepard closed his eyes and shook his head. He hated losses so much.

"I'm sorry... that it happened this way...," he muttered and swallowed hard.

"There’s no war without sacrifices, Shepard." Hackett looked away and hid his hands behind his back, straightening up and maintaining his usual unshakable posture. It was obvious that Anderson's death had been a heavy blow for him as well.

"If you want, you can always come to London and honor his memory."

"Sure, I might do so, sir."

"Take care, Shepard."

"Sir."

John gave a sort of a weak salute and Hackett retired, leaving him alone with his heavy thoughts. He contemplated his artificial arm again, lifeless by his side - his eternal reminder of what happened on the Citadel.

One evening he received an unexpected guest. Glyph flew into his ward, carrying a video message from the Normandy team. All the squad apparently was intending to come visit him.

"Your team expressed a desire to raise your low endorphin levels, sir. They have already arrived at the station and are currently on their way here.”

Shepard couldn’t contain a joyful smile (which still showed only on the good half of his face) when his team slipped busily into his ward. Glyph was right: his endorphins were in a really great need of a shake-up. All these people had suffered loss, for many of them, the burden of it was too heavy and irremediable, they all now had to deal with so many consequences and so many endless problems and yet, they came to visit him, remained loyal to him, every one of them. Shepard felt his heart fill with gratitude.

Liara was the first to come up to him. She threw her arms around him and hugged him tightly.

"We are so happy to see you alive, Shepard. We all had been this close to losing hope."

“Keelah! Shepard! If it weren’t for Kaidan, we would’ve never found out, " Tali said and the sound of her filtered voice was so very dear. "He was the only one who stubbornly believed that you survived."

John glanced at Kaidan and smiled at him. The major nodded briefly in response.

"Hey, Loco, you gonna be okay?" James asked quietly. He seemed unusually small and tight-lipped, lost among other members of the team.

John raised his left fist and stuck his thumb out, assuring him that he was going to be just fine.

"How are you, James? Holding on? How’s your N7 program going?”

"You know me, Loco, I can’t sit on my ass too long," James said with a grin. “Hackett already promised me that I'm going to be promoted soon. And who knows maybe I’ll even get my own ship as a bonus. Can you imagine? Maybe not as big as Normandy, sure, but hell - my own ship.”

“I'm glad. Make sure you’ll give her a worthy nickname.”

"Actually, I was thinking of calling her Cortez," James shrugged, and there was heavy silence as everyone went completely still, remembering.

The silence was violated quite unceremoniously by Urdnot Wrex breaking into the room.

“Shepard!! Haha!! Would you look at that lively pyjack! Another week or two, and you’ll be teaching bloody vorcha some nice head-butting lessons, eh?” while saying this Wrex simulated some aggressive attacking.

A puzzled salarian picked through the crack in the unhinged door, then another one, and another one. When they saw Wrex, they retreated momentarily.

Shepard grinned and shook his head, accepting a powerful handshake with his good hand while secretly fearing that the krogan might accidentally tear this one off.

"No, Wrex, I've had enough of war and fighting. I ... I just can’t do it anymore. I believe my fighting days are over.”

Wrex obviously didn’t believe his non-existent ears.

"A quite natural wish, Shepard," Liara said, smiling sadly at him. "You can always join my research team if you want. Or help me with my program for refugees and war victims. I am grateful to you for giving me this idea after ... well, after Thessia. I think that you too need distraction from constant bloodshed.”

"Or we could put into practice our long-standing plan to go on a permanent shore leave, if you know what I mean, Shepard," Garrus said. "Well, you know: sea, sunshine, palm trees, girls, a well-deserved retirement."

"Yeah, that sure sounds tempting, Garrus."

“This plan is still valid, don’t try to wriggle your way out, Shepard. Thanks to you, Normandy crush landed on some previously undiscovered planet. And I must say, the living conditions there are so fine that me and Tali are thinking about moving there... one day.”

“Despite the fact that the said planet is inhabited by some dubious and dangerous prehistoric forms of life?” Tali inquired. "Garrus went completely crazy, he wants to move there, but I would never risk returning to that place. Besides, I already have land on Rannoch.”

"We named this planet ‘Shepard’," James said. "In your honor, Loco. And, hell yeah, I agree with Scars here, I wouldn’t mind claiming land there. As much land as I could get. Sauropods ain’t intimidating me a bit.”

"In that case, you'll have to take me there on a tour," Shepard said. "If Garrus is ready to give up calibrating for Shep…for this planet, there can’t be any joking around."

His team exchanged knowing chuckles.

"But Shepard, what are you even planning to do when you get out of this hole?" Wrex was still completely perplexed. “What, not even a single battle? Not a single fight for the peace of soul and letting some steam off?”

"That's right, Wrex."

“Nonsense! Soon as you regain some rational mind, come visit me on Tuchanka, I’ll arrange a tournament and introduce you to my youngest son. He’ll show you what he’s learned already, that little pyjack. It will be an honor for him if you whack him properly, show him the way of a true krogan...”

"All right, all right, I'll think about it.”

“To tell the truth," Shepard said, addressing everyone in the room. "First of all I was going to visit London. And then Kaidan promised to take me to Vancouver, to introduce me to his mother.”

“And then you’ll reveal to us the date of the wedding ceremony?” Garrus asked mysteriously.

"You and Tali first, Garrus," Shepard chuckled, remembering to steal a glance at the blushing and grinning major Alenko.

"Spirits! My calibration days are not over yet. I still have to dance at Shepard’s wedding. And see him dance of course.”

"Garrus! Nobody is getting married yet!” Tali nudged the excited turian gently with her elbow.

"What's about you, Kaidan? What have you been doing all this time?" Liara asked.

 “Ah, nothing special, generally speaking. I assist Hackett with clearing Earth and other planets from the last of Cerberus forces. Although these days they are mostly retreating, rather than attacking. Our job is to pursue them and...finish them off, if possible. Also several prison stations went out of order after the explosion, and some prisoners managed to escape. We’re tracking them down. Hackett constantly tries to keep me away from the thick of action, says that I must maintain my Spectre status and stay away from trouble. I think he just wants me to watch out for Shepard. Can’t say that I mind.”

Kaidan smiled.

"Maybe I'll take a temporary resignation, and then I'll open my school, now that I've found all of my students. But Shepard is right, first of all we need to visit several places on Earth.”

“Not bad. They sure keep you on your feet.”

“Yeah, it is true. Although looking after you has been my most challenging mission so far.”

 “Why am I not surprised? Shepard has a well-developed bad habit of getting into the most embarrassing situations," Garrus said. “My memory of that lost sushi-place is still so fresh.”

"Now, how could you ever forget that," Kaidan said with a smirk.

They all laughed at the memory that each of them kept now by their hearts as dearest and one of the happiest ones. Shepard was happy to see that they still remembered how to laugh and joke around. Even after everything that had happened.

"We also haven’t heard from Javik, Shepard," Liara said, with a shadow of concern in her voice.

"Last time I talked to him he was...going to return to Eden Prime... to join his people."

"Oh, come on, I'm sure the old insectoid is fine. He just likes drama is all.”

"Who knows, James," Liara shrugged. She seemed to be preoccupied with the fate of the prothean much more than the others.

"Don’t worry, Liara, we'll find him," Shepard promised.

"I would be so very grateful, Shepard," she beamed. "Um, and I want to find him for purely scientific purposes, of course."

"I have a wild guess that if he’d managed to hide even from our Shadow Broker, it will be pretty hard for Shepard to locate him."

"He left me a shard of his memories, Garrus. I think there’s still a chance.”

"You’re still full of surprises, Shepard."

“Shepard ...,” Tali hesitantly stepped forward, wringing her peculiar hands. "Do you remember everything that happened back there…on the Citadel?"

There was a long silence, disturbed only by the even clicking and ticking of the medical devices connected to Shepard.

"Yes," he finally answered.  “Yes, I remember everything that happened on the Citadel.”

"Don’t think badly of me, Shepard, I'm not asking out of curiosity." Tali took a step back. "I just wanted you to know that you still have friends. And if you need to talk, or if you need support, don’t pretend to be an invincible commander-Spectre-whatever. Okay? We are always ready to support you and to help you, if you need us.”

"All right, Tali, and - thank you."

“Yes, Commander, we’re always ready to help. Offer you a shoulder or…you know," James said.

"And if you need to kill or head-butt someone, Shepard, you know who to turn to," Wrex poked him lightly with his fist and the hospital bed rocked dangerously.

 

***

During the following week they started to remove some of Shepard’s bandages and bracings. The number of people wishing to visit him was increasing rapidly with every passing day. The salarian station was constantly being attacked by reporters, by grateful and not so very grateful residents of planet Earth, representatives of various political organizations and advertising companies. The usual remarkable impassiveness in the eyes of his attending physicians was more often replaced these days by nervousness and anxiety. Hackett assured Shepard that as soon as he started getting back on his feet, he would be transferred to a more “secure” and less publicized medical institution recently built back on Earth. The news about “the great commander Shepard” being alive was spreading across all corners of the world faster than light and everyone seemed to be eager to see the living legend in the flesh.

As instructed by his doctors, Shepard had to stay on painkillers for a while longer. As they told him, with burns of his degree, it was a miracle that he’d survived at all. Fortunately, salarian medicine was far more advanced than human one, and there were no complications with skin transplantation. Shepard still had a nudging feeling like one half of his body and side of his face didn’t belong to him, were alien, just like that piece of hardware hanging lifelessly from his shoulder. Despite his weak condition, he was suffering from spending too much time completely immobilized. Remembering James’s words about not being able to sit on his ass for too long, Shepard realized that he also couldn’t do without some kind of movement, some purpose. His brain was processing actively, flooding his mind with bloodcurdling memories, remorse, nightmares and so he decided that he needed to focus on speedy recovery in order to keep away from the flow of agonizing thoughts.

It was around this time when, one afternoon, a salarian doctor came into his ward for another skin tissue sample and caught Shepard struggling halfway to the bathroom. To say that the doctor was shocked by the sight would be a severe understatement. Shepard, bandaged from head to toe and leaning heavily on his IV infusor, froze in place caught red-handed. He said that he wanted to look at his reflection in the mirror before remembering halfway in that there were no mirrors in salarian wards. The way back was proving to be much more challenging for him.

They led him back to the bed and sat him down but he wouldn’t lie down on it, telling them that he was going crazy by a constant contact with the damn heated pillow. Irritated and startled by such a behavior, salarians got Admiral Hackett on the emergency video channel, reporting to him that the first human Spectre had gone rogue and was stubbornly refusing to follow the instructions of his physicians. Hackett shrugged his shoulders and promised that he would take care of the “situation” and contact the second human Spectre as soon as possible.

Kaidan didn’t take long to respond. Moreover, as it turned out, he was already on his way to the station anyway, after a mission on Earth, where recently, there’d been quite a few aggressive outbreaks of civil uprisings. The planet was in ruins and some of its inhabitants were going out of control.

“Shepard, what’s going on?” Kaidan asked, dropping on one knee in front of him and placing his hands on commander’s shoulders. He’d been in such a hurry to get here after Hackett’s message that he didn’t even have time to take off all of his armor. “They told me you tried to get out of bed by yourself? That you wouldn’t listen to the doctors?”

“Kaidan, I …” Shepard shook his head slowly, straightened up and glanced away, looking around the room wildly, hating it, feeling trapped in the body he didn’t recognized as his own.

“John,” Kaidan shook his shoulders lightly, and Shepard sighed loudly before looking down into those big caramel eyes.

“I can’t stay here any more,” he confessed. “All these thoughts….I’m not used to such a damn long recovery. I don’t even feel like myself anymore to be honest. Look at me, Kaidan, look at what I’ve become.”

“What are you talking about? You’re Commander Shepard. The one who saved us all. What are you even talking about? Shepard, look at me.”

Shepard sighed again, fixing his eyes on his major. Kaidan gently cupped his face, making sure he wouldn’t look away, he wanted John to see that he was completely honest with him.

“The first human Spectre, a talented fighter, a great-hearted and selfless leader, the hope and salvation of all humankind. Does it tell you something?” Kaidan smiled at him, a playful sparkle kindling in his eyes as he moved closer. “A perfect, handsome man, my most favorite and dear commander. John Shepard.”

Shepard smiled against his will at those words and, as he allowed himself to be kissed by Kaidan, he felt his eyes sting with tears.

“Oh…,” was all he managed to say, resting his hands firmly on the cool shoulder pads of Kaidan’s armor. He could feel their coolness with his left hand. He could feel the warmth of Kaidan’s body through them with his right hand, the artificial one which until this moment he’d considered lifeless.

“Do you want me to stay with you tonight?” the major asked him, running his thumbs over John’s cheeks and wiping away tears that he didn’t even realize were there. He only hoped that no one except Kaidan would ever know that he could actually shed them.

“I do. If salarians won’t throw a tantrum over it.”

“Let them try. What can they do against two Spectres, hmm?”

Shepard chuckled lightly. For the first time in a very…very long time, he felt the weight easing off his shoulders. He felt that he might have a chance to leave behind all the horrors he’d been through and to stop dragging his burden alone. That he could let someone see his weak side and take care of him. John made a silent promise that day to remind himself more often about how badly he’d been needing it.


	3. Chapter 3

That night Shepard noticed for the first time how beautiful the stars were outside the station window screen. Almost as beautiful as back on the Normandy observation deck. Maybe it was because…, oh no, not maybe, he was sure it was so because Kaidan was with him. Salarians didn’t show any serious resistance when they found out that the second human Spectre was staying. Probably they thought it was for the best and feared that without Kaidan Shepard might just undertake some reckless foray out of bed again. Besides, by this time most of the life support devices, tubes and conductors had been disconnected from him and Kaidan could move safely into his hospital bed. The major’s attention was caught by the collection of Shepard's datapads piled up on the bedside shelf. While Shepard was resting on his shoulder, he ended up reading to him all the most interesting and substantial messages. The number of all the messages the commander had received by now was truly infinite. His inbox was practically swarmed.

 

"Or this one, Shepard, listen,

_"Commander Shepard, I don’t know if you'll ever even read this message, but I'd like to thank you anyway from the bottom of my heart for what you’ve done for me and for my family. If it weren’t for you, my brother and my Dad would’ve fallen victims to this war. Your contribution to the fate of all humankind will never be forgotten! "_

 

  _"Commander, thank you for inspiring me to join the N7 program. Although I’d never really been to the battlefield, the vids I saw with you inspired me so much that I decided to try and apply. For all the lives that I’ve managed to save so far, I will always be grateful to you. "_

 

_"Mr. Shepard, I hope you don’t mind if we open a French restaurant named after you in the Terminus system. You mean so much to us. And, of course, we will send invitations for you. We offer the best crab sticks in the whole Milky Way."_

 

_"You’re the true symbol of faith and hope in the future ..."_

 

_"Commander, my doors are always open for you. I love you, I’ve loved you for as long as I can remember and I believe that we’re destined for each other. Please, share my love! "_

"Um, that was unexpected," Shepard chuckled.

"See, you‘ve got something to strive for," Kaidan remarked jokingly.

“No, thanks, I think I’ve already found everything I've been even striving for.”

Saying that, he turned his head and pressed his lips to the junction between Kaidan's neck and the line of his jaw, feeling his pulse. Kaidan leaned into his touch and laughed softly in return.

 

_"Shepard, you are the true embodiment of all my erotic fantasies. Don’t think anything, I've always liked girls and such, but as soon as I see you in THAT armor, something happens to me I can’t put it into words. Don’t think anything of me, I'm only looking, of course ... .Shit. I begin to doubt my sexuality. Can we somehow meet and discuss my problem in private? "_

 

The ward was instantly filled with the sound of their laughter. Both Shepard and Kaidan couldn’t calm down for a while.

“That requires ... I mean, immediate professional intervention is required, Shepard. Now tell me, is that why you wanted to get out of here?”

“That’s it. You know me, I’m always in a hurry to help those in need. He sure hasn’t seen _you_ in that blue armor yet though. I’m positive there would’ve been no doubts about sexuality left at all.

"Am I really that bad?"

“You’re hopeless.”

"Just imagine if this message was sent by a krogan?"

"Shit. Then I better start running right now."

It took another hour before Kaidan shifted carefully under John, who was still resting his head on his shoulder.

"Hey, are you sleeping?" he asked him in a whisper.

"No," Shepard responded. “Listening.”

"One more, okay? You'll like it.”

 Shepard nodded silently.

 

_"We were on Noveria at the resort, when Cerberus troops suddenly started attacking. There were so many of them, and they caught us by surprise, we didn’t have time to prepare evacuation and they trapped us. They were shooting us one after another, but they were taking our children captives for some reason. I couldn’t find my son, he’d gone to the mountains with his father and never returned. I thought I’d lose my mind from the fear I had to endure. And I'll never forget the moment when your shuttle appeared on the horizon, Shepard. I will never forget the pure panic in the eyes of Cerberus soldiers. And I will never forget how on that day you came up to me, holding my son by the hand, alive and unharmed. I wholeheartedly wish you a speedy recovery and I want you to know that I’m thinking about you, I remember about you every day and I wish you only the very best on your difficult path. You gave me life. "_

 

“Wow.”

“Yeah. Wow. I remember back in London, when the Reapers attacked. That little boy’s death. You seemed to take it to the heart.”  
   
“That boy…he reminded me of myself. I was about his age when … when my family was gone. I know what it’s like to be left completely alone like that. In the middle of a crazy dying world. Back then in London, and after it, I kept thinking, why did I survive while he had to die? Those thoughts wouldn’t leave me.”

“You survived to give a future to others. Otherwise, we’d all be doomed.”

Shepard went quiet. He put his mechanical arm over Kaidan’s chest and clenched his fingers with a soft creak of material they were made of. They both silently watched as the subtle lines of artificial veins faintly flickered with red light at the action. Kaidan covered his hand with his own.

“And _we_ have a future too, John,” he whispered.  
   
“Yeah …” Shepard replied, interlocking his fingers with Kaidan’s. “Anything else in those messages?”

 

_“My heart is broken! Is it true that Major Alenko and Commander Shepard are together?”_

 

“Ha! Now we’re talking!”

 

***

 

_Shepard gasped sharply for the precious air and dragged himself up on his knees. Before him, smudged dots of stars were swimming, a hopelessly infinite open space. He was terribly anxious that his legs might be torn away any moment from this last outpost of gravity he was holding on to, and then he would be thrown into this cold, lifeless night. It was hypnotizing him, urging him to plunge into it. Another gasp, another pitiful whistle of his dying lungs. Shepard looked down at his hands only to see that they were covered with a thick layer of blood, some of it already clotted and some still fresh, dripping to the floor. His own blood._

_“No,” he breathed out, feeling agonizing panic seize him. “Not that. Not again.”_

_Behind him, he could hear an indistinct whisper, as if someone was talking to him, voice muffled by an invisible veil. Shepard inclined his head to the side and listened. He wanted to stand up to his feet and go to the sound of that voice, but he was too afraid that his legs wouldn’t support him. They were already trembling treacherously under the weight of his dying body._

_“Shepard! Shepard!” the voice was calling. Begging for help._

_“I can’t,” he said weakly, but the voice didn’t stop._

_“Shepard! Shepard! Shepard! ”_

_“I can’t help you!!” he shouted into the void and the next moment gravity waned. Space pulled him in, carrying him through exploding stations, past creaking deadly Reapers, into the darkness, towards the dying stars._

He woke from his nightmare with a voiceless cry frozen on his lips. His heart was racing wildly in his chest, and his whole body was shaking with feverish panic. Shepard turned his head, bumping his nose into the crook of Kaidan’s neck. As soon as he remembered where he was and who was by his side, his fear vanished, leaving behind only a feeling of cold ugly emptiness. Still breathing heavily, Shepard moved closer to peacefully sleeping Kaidan, put his head on his chest and listened to his even breathing, finding boundless, satisfying calm in it, finding his precious gravity. Shepard embraced the major with his artificial arm and, despite the fact that he couldn’t fall back to sleep for a long time, he was making sure to engrave every second of this new life into his memory.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Additional note: Kaidan's family owns a wine business . Totally my headcanon :)
> 
> Watch out for the jump in raiting!

 

“Now, don’t move, Shepard, we’re almost done and it is important that you keep completely still for one more minute.”

Shepard squeezed his eyes shut and held his breath when a young doctor pulled the bandage over his eye with tweezers. Many things around him had changed since he was sent to the hospital on Earth. There was no window screen with a glorious view of stars anymore, but the window he had here overlooked the sea. The room was more spacious, more like a studio apartment rather than a hospital ward. There was a small library, a kitchen, a fireplace, even a gym. Hackett had made sure that Shepard was undergoing recovery in better conditions.

“Excellent! Now, please, tell me what you see, Mr. Shepard.”

The young doctor brushed his cheek tenderly and Shepard took a closer look at her, no doubt, making her blush by doing so.

At first, he could make out only blurry shapes with his left eye, but gradually, his physician’s face was becoming more and more clear.

Soon he could flawlessly discern every fair strand of her curly hair, every freckle on her face and her neck, even the light cheerful specks in her gray eyes. Shepard covered his good eye with his hand.

“I think I can see even better with this one.”

“That’s not surprising. It was recreated by the best salarian surgeons. And it’s very similar to your own. If it causes you any discomfort, feel free to contact me or anyone on my team, we’ll adjust brightness sensors some. You’ll also need time to get used to it and, until then - you better avoid direct sunlight.”

“I understand, doctor.”

When she left, Shepard got out of bed and padded to the window. Despite many protests from his doctors, he never gave up trying to train his weakened legs on his own. With the major’s support, of course. By now he’d made remarkable progress and he felt like he could never get enough of walking. Sometimes in the mornings he would even get up on the treadmill, starting it at the minimal walking pace, and holding tightly on the handrails. He tried to walk a little more with each new attempt. For the first time in a long while, he felt that he was becoming himself again. His progress was obvious. And yet at the same time, he was realizing that he would never be the same.

The sea was restless, sharp waves piercing a soft line of sand near the shore. Shepard watched their jerky movements for a while, then walked to the bathroom and looked intensely at his reflection in the mirror. At his new reflection.

Now he could see himself with both eyes, clearer than ever. The traces of burns were still evident on the left side of his face, but most of them were now hidden behind the newly grown beard Shepard refused to shave, covered by longer hair, which he also refused to cut to the usual buzzed state. None of his old scars could be discerned behind all that hair, which could be now competing with Kaidan’s in number of silver graying strands. He hardly recognized himself these post-war days. An unfamiliar softness, calmness, had settled in his features - healthy sleep and a well-deserved rest did their job. Shepard squinted. His left eye was somewhat different from his right one. Even the best technology couldn’t fully reconstruct the complex anatomy. Once natural blue color had been replaced now with an artificial glow created by luminous microchips around the pupil. Shepard touched them with his finger to make sure that he truly didn’t feel anything with that eye. He frowned, and three deep lines creased his forehead.

“Hey, soldier, you there?!”

Kaidan’s voice demanded from somewhere in the hallway.

Shepard smiled at his reflection and walked out to meet the major.

“Want me to stand to attention and salute you properly, sir?” he inquired, quirking his brow and demonstrating his new self, because Kaidan hadn’t seen him without the bandages yet.

“Someone’s in a playful mood today?” Kaidan asked, pointing at Shepard with a bottle of wine. “Ah…look at you…!”

Kaidan didn’t get the chance to finish whatever he was saying because Shepard had already closed any distance between them and caught his lips with his own.

“You … look…perfect,” the major managed in between persistent kisses. Shepard couldn’t tear himself away from him and Kaidan obviously didn’t mind.

“I was worried you were going to bring those damn balloons with speedy-recovery wishes on them too,” Shepard said, taking the bottle of wine from major’s weakened hands. “I think Traynor and Joker had worked out some kind of evil scheme to drown me in those things. Or maybe he just bought them for fun, and she took the idea way too seriously.”

Saying this, Shepard gestured around his room, which indeed was covered with helium balloons of various shape and color, from ceiling to floor. Most of them contained letterings. Some of those letterings were of a very dubious and daring character.

“Seems just like Traynor,” Kaidan said, snapping a pink phallic-shaped ballon with his fingers. The thing turned, presenting its lettering “Pump me till I burst.”

Shepard padded to the sofa and slumped heavily onto it. During these past few months, he’d lost most of his muscle bulk, and his “N7 t-shirt, once fitting his chiseled body so tightly, was now hanging loosely over his thin, almost fragile shoulders. Kaidan stopped by the sofa, watching for a moment the way his commander’s chest heaved with each new breath.

"Tired, Shepard?” he asked softly.

Kaidan always knew somehow those kind of questions that left Shepard completely defenseless, unarmed. _“Scared, Shepard?” “Lonely, Shepard?” “Tired, Shepard?”_

“Too many things going on today. You can say that I’m getting a bit weary.”

Kaidan lowered himself down on the sofa next to him, so close that he appeared practically in Shepard’s lap. He slid his hand into Shepard’s thick hair, still not used to how long and soft it felt under his fingers.

“Then… it’s enough of adventures for today. Let’s open this bottle of wine, celebrate your complete uhm…unbandaging, your new badass eye, and…”

“And?” Shepard asked, arching his eyebrow.

Lately Kaidan’s supportive presence hadn’t been enough for him. Not that he wasn’t cherishing it dearly. But even more than to walk freely, he wanted to be close to him, to be intimate with him in the ways he hadn’t experienced yet since that frightful night before the final battle with Reapers. His body had been demanding more for a while now.

Kaidan glanced at the bed and his eyes flashed for a moment, but he said nothing more, words trapped on his perfect lips in a light intake of air, and suddenly Shepard remembered vividly everything those lips could do. And, oh god, he’d been guilty alright of refreshing those memories at nights when he stayed in his room completely alone …

“So what kind of wine is this?” he asked, clearing his throat.

“Mother sent it to me along with an invitation to Vancouver. She’d be very happy to meet you, to get to know you better. Looks like she’s hoping to lure you with our wine.”

“Never tasted apple wine before.”

“You haven’t ? Really? First time for everything, right? You’ll like it. Ours is known because it’s especially strong. And not too sugary.”

“Mmm,” Shepard mused, opening the bottle. The rays of setting sun filled the room with a soft golden light, causing chips in Shepard’s eye to glow gently, dimly, to shimmer with the same golden sparks. The gears in his right hand swished softly, a sound barely audible, but particularly clear in the silence that had settled in the room. However, ever since the Reaper war, he hadn’t felt more alive than in that particular moment, hadn’t felt so - human.

The wine was truly surprisingly strong. The regular mood and seriousness of their conversation, discussion of all the latest missions Kaidan had been on (this topic was usually the prime target of Shepard’s poorly concealed curiosity) digressed steadily into silly giggling over the stupidest nonsense, like why asari need tentacles on their head, or how many teeth an average turian has, or that time when the whole Normandy team was combing the ship in search of Shepard’s missing hamster, Joker’s pancreas and all the nicknames James attributed on that day to the poor animal.

Then Shepard, touched by the perfect amount of blush on the major’s cheeks and his pleasant and by all means tangible closeness, was suddenly telling him all about the Citadel, pouring out all of his pain, all the fear and remorse that had been crumpling into a tight tangled knot in his chest, now choking him. Anderson, the Catalyst, the burning Earth, the endless limp to the control panel. Anderson, he shot him, raised his gun at him and fired and couldn’t do anything to stop Illusive Man from controlling his mind.

“I’ll never, never be able to forgive myself for what I did. Kaidan. These dreams … where someone…someone’s begging me to help. They’ll never leave me.”

There were tears in Kaidan’s eyes as he moved even closer and put his hand over Shepard’s nape.

“You will have to forgive yourself,” he said. “You will have to.”

Shepard shook his head desperately, but Kaidan leaned in to him and kissed him. John’s clouded mind reacted to the contact surprisingly fast. He moaned softly, clinging closer, urging the major to deepen the kiss, to open up for him. As soon as those soft lips parted wide for him accepting his tongue, he lost his head completely. He reached his right hand directly for Kaidan’s fatigues, grabbing at his conveniently spread thighs with mechanical fingers, marveling at the vivid and realistic sensations that the arm was sending to his nervous system. Kaidan was so hot and so hard under his palm, just like he had hoped.

“Wait, wait …” Kaidan breathed out, pulling away from the kiss, giving Shepard the opportunity to see what exactly he was doing with his hand. And no, the sight of the cyber hand massaging Kaidan’s hardness now so visible through the thick material of his fatigues, shouldn’t be so damn hot. He blamed it all on the wine, surely, it was the wine playing tricks on him.

“I thought we’ve decided it was enough of adventures for today, haven’t we…” Kaidan said breathlessly.

“Have we? Really? I don’t remember anything like that. Misinformation, sir.”

Kaidan grinned and shook his head, reaching for Shepard again, cupping his cheek, but only for one fleeting feathery kiss. He then gently pushed the exploring hand away from his most sensitive parts.

“I’m not asking for anything, only you, Kaidan. Let me make you feel good. Here. Now.”

“No, it’s not how it’s going to work, Commander.”

Shepard had a feeling that Kaidan actually wouldn’t resist him much, if only he pushed a little harder, but he also realized that he was indeed too weary to do anything with this idea. A stinging sensation was starting in his new eye together with the throbbing pain in his temples.

“All right,” he surrendered, dropping his hands.

“Okay, now let’s get you to that huge bed of yours, so that my conscience stays clear.”

“Thank you for the wine, Kaidan,” Shepard murmured, throwing his arm over the major’s shoulders and rising to his feet. “Will you stay?”

“I’ll be here, John.”

 

***

_Shepard didn’t remember much of that dream except for the very end of it where he just buried himself between the major’s legs, deep inside of him, wrapped in his warmth all around, and safe, so very safe._

He woke up abruptly and was surprised to discover he wasn’t coming all over the sheets yet. He was painfully aroused and stiff in his briefs. Desperate, he reached out for the form sleeping by his side, hating that he had to wake up the man who’d just so shamelessly disturbed his dreams.

“ Wha-? What’s’t?” Kaidan asked him sleepily as he pried his eyes open.

One of Shepard’s eyes was lightly glowing with artificial blue in the dark, watching him intently.

“What is it, Shepard?”

And then Shepard’s mechanical hand was wrapping around his and guiding him steadily between his commander’s legs, pressing his palm right over the very prominent bulge there. Shepard hissed at the contact and bucked up his hips gently into Kaidan’s hand.

“Ah-I need you, Kaidan,” he whispered breathlessly. “Damn, I’ve just had such a dream about you.”

A quiet moan fell from the major’s lips and this time he wasn’t pulling his hand away.

“Tell me about it,” he said, fingers exploring Shepard’s hardness under the gentle press of the other man’s artificial hand. Curling around him, squeezing him, stroking him.

“I think…oh fu—fuck, I think I was fucking you. Was so good…, ” Shepard could swear he was going to come after a few more slightest strokes, after a few more intimate touches of Kaidan’s expert fingers. He’d been longing for this.

“Please, Kaidan, I need _you_.”

Kaidan didn’t say anything. He withdrew his hand from the commander’s persistent hold and got out from under the blankets.

Then he straddled Shepard and let out a heavy sigh, sliding his hands over Shepard’s chest, worrying his nipples and grounding his hips gently against Shepard’s straining erection.

“Alright”, he said simply enough. “We’ll do it. Let me take care of you, okay?”

His hair was disheveled from sleep and Shepard took the opportunity to run his hands through it, tugging slightly, raveling in the feel of its softness against the hard material of his fingers.

“Yeah…” he drawled out, guiding his hands down the delicate skin of the major’s neck, over his shoulders and arms, down the sinuous curve of his back and over his thick muscled thighs, digging his fingers into his ass, and grounding him firmer against his arousal. He could see the wicked smile gracing Kaidan’s lips, could see and feel how hard he was for him.

Kaidan shifted and yanked Shepard’s briefs down roughly. Shepard held his breath for a moment when cool air hit his heated tender skin. Kaidan took him in hand and stroked him once, twice, roughly. Shepard gasped and bucked into his hand.

“Yeah?” Kaidan asked him.

“Yeahhh…” Shepard breathed out.

And then the major was bowing further down over him and taking him with those perfect lips, guiding him deep into his hot mouth. Taking him whole to the base. Shepard was this close to seeing stars when the soft tongue slid over the vein and all the way down, then up his shaft again, making him watch those cheeks hollowing out, those heavy brows drawing together in concentration. With one intention – to please. When Kaidan sucked him in again, he rolled his tongue in that special way he’d already demonstrated couple of times before London, and his hand cupped Shepard gently, fingers sliding further, one barely teasing over his entrance but it was more than enough. Shepard groaned loudly and dug his fingers into Kaidan’s hair. Blue eyes, one glowing unnaturally, met heavy lidded caramel ones and he was coming into the heat of Kaidan’s mouth, arching his back, hardly restraining himself from thrusting up and up and up into that welcoming wetness. Kaidan took it all, everything he had to give, and licked him dry when he relaxed and the aftershocks ceased, making him shudder all over again.

“Damn it, I forgot how good you’re at this”, he whispered. Spent and suddenly exhausted. “C’mon, I’ll give you something too.”

“Shut up, Shepard, and go to sleep this instance. You’ll show me those dirty tricks of yours later, when you’re strong enough.”

Shepard raised his knee slightly, making contact with Kaidan’s hard dick. The major moaned and started moving against his leg involuntary, devouring Shepard with his eyes. But then he stopped and rolled off him, breathing into his ear,

“John, you need to sleep now. “

And Shepard couldn’t fight it, his eyes closing on their own accord, his head feeling with warm embrace of sleepiness.

“I love you so much…”, he whispered and felt warm press of lips against his own. He fell asleep before he could respond.


	5. Chapter 5

“Did I say too much yesterday?” Shepard asked Kaidan the morning after. Kaidan, already fully dressed, had woken him up. It had become their unspoken agreement - to wake the other up before leaving. Because they both hated being left alone in a cold bed.

Kaidan settled on the edge of the bed beside him, and Shepard was gently running his hand along his broad back.

"Nothing of what I could call “too much”. And if you did, I don’t remember," Kaidan said.  "How are you, John?"

He remembered perfectly well what Shepard had told him about the Citadel. To go through something like this again, even if only in memory, must have been one hell of a challenge. Kaidan took everything he’d heard very seriously, and was fully prepared to accept some of that heavy burden and share its weight. If it helped Shepard.

Shepard shrugged.

"I’ll live," he answered. "Can you maybe stay for a while longer?"

The major didn’t say anything. He switched his omni-tool on and showed Shepard an urgent message. John sighed. It seemed that even after Reapers the world was still full of unresolved problems, will always be full of them and will never let them take a break.

"Wish I could go with you," Shepard said, lifting his huge blue eyes to look at Kaidan.

"Wish I could stay," Kaidan said, smiling.

"So stay, Spectre," Shepard playfully grabbed Kaidan by the sleeve of his fatigues, attempting to pull him back into bed. Kaidan showed weak resistance.

"And what am I going to tell the higher-ups, Commander?  Sorry, I didn’t show up for your emergency call because I was busy having sex with Shepard?”

Shepard let go off his sleeve and was now grabbing at everything he could reach, dragging the major under the covers.

“Pretty much. Say that it’s extremely urgent for the commander to promptly rehabilitate.”

Kaidan laughed at this and surrendered, letting him take control. He landed on top of Shepard, careful not to crush him with his weight, leaned down to him, kissing him deeply.

"Shepard...," he whispered lovingly, savoring the name, before John pulled him back to his lips.

They were interrupted by a delicate coughing somewhere from the door. They pulled away from each other, and Kaidan jumped to his feet. The young doctor, who was appointed responsible for Shepard during his stay at the new clinic, was standing by the door.

"I-I was about to leave," Kaidan stammered hastily, wiping his lips and clearing his throat. "I'll pick you up next week, Shepard, for a little walk. Dr. Esther and I had a chat about you.”

"A walk?" Shepard asked, looking from the doctor to Kaidan and back in complete puzzlement.

"Ehm ... I suppose she'll tell you all the details herself. Take care.”

Dr. Esther remained standing at the door, her brow arched pointedly, until the embarrassed major left the room.

"Sexual intercourse is strictly not advised to you, Mr. Shepard," she concluded, stepping into the room when Kaidan disappeared from view.

"Yes, ma'am," Shepard responded, nodding while smoothing out the blanket to cover up the crumpled sheets and other evidence of what activities had taken place in that bed the previous night.

Dr. Esther only shook her head, and Shepard had a suspicion that she knew about everything. She took Shepard's medical chart from the table and began to write something in it, scowling.

Shepard felt all sorts of twangs of guilt.

"Dr. Esther, Kaidan mentioned something about taking me for a walk next week? Did I hear it right?"

“Yes, we’ve discussed this possibility. He told me you are distressed with staying indoors all the time and that a little walk and fresh air might do good for your physical state. Fortunately, the weather and the air here allow this," Dr. Esther said, eyes still glued to the medical chart. "I personally don’t see why not. I think it's time for you to start slowly regaining your usual physical condition. This will help to improve your health and well-being in general.”

"So does this mean you’ll let me out?"

"Provided that you return for further medical treatment, Commander, sure," the doctor concluded, putting his chart back on the table and looking at him sternly. "And no more sex until I say so, okay?"

Shepard smiled apologetically, noting with surprise that he was blushing.

"Yes, Dr. Esther," he promised.

"Now show me how your new eye’s doing."

 

***

 

Dr. Esther kept her word. One week later Kaidan picked Shepard up, and they headed off for a walk to the seashore. The weather was surprisingly sunny, the air fresh, filled with sharp smell of sea salt. Shepard didn’t remember the last time he had a chance to walk by the sea like that, without thoughts of saving galaxy burdening him.

"If you get tired, tell me at once, okay?" Kaidan warned as he opened the door of the car for him. The wind had disheveled his usual overenthusiastically groomed hair, making his face seem younger. Pecks of sunlight were bouncing off the surface of the water, reflecting in his eyes the color of whiskey. Shepard thought that Major Alenko had never looked more handsome.

He waved his warning off, getting out of the car, but he didn’t reject the strong hand offering him support. Kaidan pulled him to his feet deftly, a bit closer to himself. Their glances locked, and the corner of Kaidan's lips stretched in a crooked sly smirk. As if he knew how he was making Shepard feel, he’d always had this effect on him, from the very start of their friendship, back from the times when turians were their main concern and Kaidan was a lieutenant under his command. Shepard had never learned how to cover his feelings properly. However, now there was no need.

"It's not far from here," Kaidan said, keeping his hand over Shepard's waist as he gestured for him to take a walk along the line of sand.

"So, uh ... does that mean we’re going somewhere in particular?" Shepard asked placing his hand to the small of Kaidan’s back in return when they started on their way. The seagulls were cluttering ahead by the harbor, anticipating a fishing boat, and for a brief moment Shepard found himself back in his childhood, in that part of it that could still be defined as the happy one. Back when his family was still whole and alive and the sun shone brighter.

“You can say that. You'll see, John”

The sparkles in Kaidan’s eyes were shining so much brighter than any Sun he’d ever seen.

Fresh air was giving him strength and, despite the ever-present now general weakness, he didn’t feel any weariness in his legs and could breathe freely, deeply. Their car was left far behind, on the sandy beach. Ahead of them loomed a construction of an unusual spiral shape, something remotely similar to a huge satellite station or an observatory.

Shepard was about to ask if Kaidan had surmised somehow that he was in need to rediscover space, when a video-message notification popped up on the major’s omni-tool.

“Who’s that?”  Shepard asked.

"Eh, I don’t think ..."

However, before he managed to turn off the persistent blinking signal, a familiar impassive voice came through.

"Major Alenko, all preparations are complete. According to the latest information I received, the place is now at your complete disposal. All the equipment and weapons have also been delivered to the appointed destination ...”

“Wait, wait ... is that - EDI??”  Shepard couldn’t quite believe his ears. "Isn’t she ...?"

"Oh, damn it, Shepard, this was supposed to be a surprise."

"I am sorry, Major Alenko, but you did not warn me about the possible intervention from Shepard himself."

“EDI, is that you? Really?! God, it’s so good to hear you again! Kaidan, I don’t make any sense from any of this.”

"Joker rebuilt her of course, together with a whole team of engineers," Kaidan was explaining hurriedly. "You know he can’t live without her, Shepard."

“Jeff made sure to maintain all possible conditions for speedy reconstruction of my body unit, immediately after my systems failed. This body unit has been fully functional for 3 days, 7 hours, 23 minutes and 57 seconds. I regret that I had to ruin the surprise Major Kaidan Alenko had planned for you, Shepard. And I am very glad to see you again and to hear your voice. Your vital signs are telling me that you have already recovered most of your former physical health.”

“Thank you, EDI, I'm happy we got a chance to have you back with us.”

"I will not distract you from further rehabilitation, Shepard. I hope Kaidan will do everything in his power to bring up your vital rates faster.”

"I'm sure it’s not only them vital rates he can bring up..." Joker’s muffled voice came from somewhere in the background.

“Jeff says hi.”

“We can hear him alright, thank you, EDI.”

“EDI!! I…I didn’t realize the speakers were on. What the hell??”

"I am sorry, Jeff."

The video message was cut off just in time when Kaidan and Shepard reached the entrance of the unusual building.

“I can’t believe they managed to restore her full functionality so quickly.”

"Joker was desperate," Kaidan concluded.

“I can imagine. So where are you taking ...?”

Shepard froze mid-sentence as soon as they walked past the doors which slid closed gently behind them, cutting off the sunlight and the sound of the sea. Artificial lighting blinked on, illuminating a huge place which once probably used to be a docking hangar. Various crates, containers, first-aid kits, boxes with ammo and grenades were scattered all over it. On the opposite end of the hangar they could see installations of various "enemy" shapes with targets painted on their chests.

 _“Spectre status recognized_ ,” a soft voice announced somewhere from above.

“A shooting range? You brought me to a shooting range?” Shepard said, feeling his lips stretch into a smile of pure delight. His eyes lit up at the sight of his good old N7 armor hanging in the locker right there by the entrance, along with a set of his pistols, shotguns and his favorite “Black Widow” to which he was attached stubbornly in a special way. “My God, Kaidan, did you get all this here just for me?”

“Who else would I get this for, Shepard. I thought you might use a little distraction,” Kaidan said, walking demonstratively past him and stopping in front of his own branded blue armor set. The one which Shepard particularly admired. “Care to keep me company?”

“I love you, you know that?”

Kaidan rewarded him with a heartwarming smile.

“You should remind me about it more often, okay?” he winked and gestured toward Shepard’s armor. “Come on.”

Kaidan was in his armor in a matter of seconds and then he helped Shepard to get his own on. Shepard’s hands lost their usual swiftness and skill. It was especially difficult to manage with his brand new hand. The armor seemed unusually heavy now and he already knew that he wouldn’t last long in it, but the general excitement and delight he felt wearing it again were certainly worth it. Kaidan really knew him that well. The major was helping him with all the clasps and the especially hard-to-reach parts of the armor, fixed around his legs and arms. Shepard didn’t show any sights of protesting, on the contrary, he was openly enjoying how careful the major was around him as he dressed him up. He was already quietly anticipating the reverse process. His hands kept wandering over the blue armor, fingers brushing Kaidan’s curly black hair still disheveled by the wind, sliding along his cheekbones and the line of his jaw, over his lips.

“Shepard … you don’t make it easier for me, you know that?” he said softly, daring a not so innocent glance at Shepard as he parted his lips and let the pad of Shepard’s thumb brush his hot tongue.

“Sorry… hard to resist. Let’s warm up a bit for a start, okay?” Shepard said, removing his hand and adjusting the armor plate over his crotch where it had suddenly became surprisingly tight.

When everything was safely secured and Shepard’s right arm looked completely like his real one, covered by the gauntlet, they chose two identical pistols - the lightest ones, for a start.

“No biotic tricks, Shepard,” Kaidan warned him again. There was a shadow of concern in his voice, worry in his eyes, and Shepard knew that he’d been thinking a lot, probably weighting all pros and cons before attempting this bold venture. “I trust you to be careful.”

“Yes, sir,” Shepard said.

“In that case, Commander…,”

Kaidan pressed the control panel switch, and the light in the hangar switched off partially, leaving them in semi darkness. Shepard felt his old instincts awakening somewhere in the back of his memory, one of them was to immediately take cover. The major settled across him to the right, crouching behind a crate. He wasn’t using his biotics too, but Shepard still could clearly see his armored silhouette.

For a few passing moments they remained in their positions across from each other, Shepard could hear his heart pounding loudly, shooting adrenaline through his tensed body. He nodded briefly to the major and the man nodded in response. As soon as they got out from the cover, shots were fired in their direction, sending a shower of simulated bullets at them. With two perfectly coordinated shots, Shepard and Kaidan got one of the “enemies” right into the heart and then they both disappeared behind the cover again. Eventually, using this safe tactic, they were moving step by step farther across the hangar, switching from one cover to another. A well-known to them, familiar and pleasant course of action. Take a cover, catch the major’s attention, nod briefly to him and advance further. As if there were none of those long months spent in hospital, as if there’d been no Reapers, no war.

Just in a few minutes they got into one perfect rhythm, tuning in to each other and working together, completing each other perfectly like with no one else. They didn’t need words to guess their partner’s next move, they were one whole, like they were in everything, in love and on the battlefield. Cover, nod, charge, shot, change of position. Cover, deep breath, nod, charge, shot, change of position. No bullet could get them.

And yet, soon, Shepard felt that he was starting to wear out. The weight of his armor was becoming increasingly unbearable for his still fragile body, and the weapon was too heavy and too hot. Fingers on his artificial hand creaked and jammed, unused to such relentless pressure. He had to switch to his left hand at some point, and it became easier, although this hand was so much less functional. At least it was his own. By the end of the task, their offensive was completely taken over by Kaidan, while Shepard only followed him, staying close, remembering to admire biotic’s graceful movements, the curve of his back.

 _“First level task complete. The total number of enemies killed - 45. Spectre Major Kaidan Alenko - 32 kills. Spectre Commander John Shepard - 13 kills,”_ the voice announced.

“Not bad for a start,” the major said offering his hand to Shepard once again. He took it and got up to his feet, breathing heavily. He could feel sweat rolling down his spine under the armor. Kaidan wasn’t even out of breath, although he’d completed the second half of the mission almost by himself.

“I hope so,” Shepard said. “The enemy was too weak. I just got bored, and thought you’ll do fine all by yourself.”

“Oh really?” Kaidan inquired, raising an eyebrow.

“I was enjoying the view,” Shepard told him, snaking his arm around Kaidan’s waist clasped in tight armor and kissing his hot forehead. He could swear that he saw a light biotic discharge run along Kaidan’s body.

“The view here really isn’t half that bad,” said the major.

“Come on, you know what I mean.” Shepard’s hand slid a little lower. Another biotic wave. Shepard couldn’t help but wonder at this strange occurrence, he didn’t remember Kaidan ever losing control of his biotics like that. “Thank you, Kaidan, I needed this.”

“I know. Anything for you, John …”

They headed back to their lockers. The light was gradually flickering back on again as Shepard was walking behind Kaidan, smiling broadly. He was happy, really happy at that moment, and he wanted to make sure Kaidan knew about it too. All this time, all he’d been needing was a good physical drill somewhere away from hospital beds and doctors and endless tests. Only him and his lover.

“We’ll need to be back there in an hour, otherwise your doctor is going to give me hell,” Kaidan warned and smiled cunningly , turning around to face him.

“That means we’ll have to be …” Shepard froze, his eyes wide. “K.?”

“What? What happened? Are you all right?”

“Your nose!”

Kaidan put his hand to his nose. Blood was flowing from it in a steady trickle, running along his lips, down his chin, spotting his perfectly clean armor with dark red drops.

“Dammit …dammit,” he muttered quietly.

“Heey! Come on, come here!” Shepard carefully put his arm around the major’s waist and led him to the bench beside one of the lockers, helping him settle down on it. “Fuck, Kaidan, sometimes you aren’t thinking about yourself at all, are you?”

“I guess I…took after you, Shepard,” the major tried to joke, throwing his head back. The blood kept flowing steadily.

“Is it your L2? A migraine?”

“No, it’s not that, Shepard … it’s not that …” Kaidan shook his head weakly. There was an indefinite anguish and strain in his eyes, as if he wanted to say something to Shepard, but didn’t know how.

“Stay here, I’ll look for some band-aids in the medkits. Thank god there’s plenty of those here.”

Shepard went to the nearest first aid kit.

“If you were having a migraine, we could’ve postponed this walk for a day or two, Kaidan. There’s no need to push yourself like that for me. I’m fine.”

Kaidan remained suspiciously silent so Shepard grabbed the nearest first-aid kit and hurried back to him.

His major was looking at him, completely quiet, with that same awful anguish in his eyes. Shepard only saw him like this once…. . And he didn’t like the rapidly aggravating state of things. He hastily pulled out pad bandages from the kit and put two of them to Kaidan’s bleeding nose. The major pressed them down with his own hand and shoved Shepard away. Then he leaned his cheek against the cool locker and went still again, as if immersed in a state of coma.

“I’ve called Dr. Esther, they’ll pick us up in a few minutes, okay?” Shepard kissed Kaidan’s burning forehead, ran a gauntleted hand over the pale skin of his face, shiny with sweat.

“Kaidan, hey, Kaidan, don’t you dare pass out, you hear me!” Shepard sat down on the bench next to him, leaning his cheek against the same locker too and meeting now blank caramel eyes. “I love you, Kaidan. I love you.”

Shepard’s lower lip quirked and he bit it angrily, taking a ragged breath through his nose. His chest heaved and his heart shrank in panic. He couldn’t understand what had just happened. Everything was fine, Kaidan was fine, and he was happy. Now all life seemed to have flown out of him in just a few moments. Shepard forgot that he was still clutching his pistol, ready to fight till the last breath for his lover’s life. Except there was no one to fight. His whole newly found world suddenly gave a crack and lost its orbit. His sun was threatening to go out.

Fortunately, the doctors didn’t take long. The shuttle arrived in a few minutes. Kaidan was carefully carried aboard, because, for some reason, he still didn’t make any attempts to move. Shepard was close to the same state himself, although, for the most part, it was caused by a shock he was experiencing.

What could have happened? What could he have done wrong?

They were taken back to the hospital, and Shepard followed the stretchers silently, surrounded by a group of human and turian doctors, still clutching his pistol tightly. He didn’t even remember when he sat down on a hard, cold bench, still dressed in a full set of armor. He sat like that for several minutes, or hours, or even eternity, not moving, body hunched over, hands squeezing his head, eyes locked on the tiled floor.

He jumped to his feet at once when Dr. Esther came out to him. His body was aching under heavy pressure he’d been subjected to for the whole day, but Shepard didn’t really care.

“He’s going to be all right!” Dr. Esther assured him immediately, raising her hands in a protective gesture. The expression on his face was probably a mix of something horrible.

"What happened? Is it his implant?”

The doctor nodded.

“He used to have minor migraines because of it…and he used to be under Dr. Chakwas’ constant supervision. But Kaidan never complained, and he was fit for military service. I’ve never seen anything like that happen to him , doctor.” Shepard was swallowing his words in a hurry, fearing to learn what the doctor had to tell him.

Dr. Esther sighed, and her sigh induced in his mind thousands of possible scenarios with the most terrible and detailed outcomes.

“His L2 implants were experimental, flawed, Mr. Shepard, but you already know that, don’t you?”

Shepard nodded.

“We’ve conducted examination and found out that the implant had been seriously damaged recently…”

The news knocked breath out of him, it was suddenly very difficult to stand straight.

“Sit down, Mr. Shepard, please. You are still weak.”

Shepard slumped back onto the bench passively. The blood was hammering loudly in his temples.

“The damaged implant impairs his neurological system, and provokes a kind of musculoskeletal disorder. Hence his state of semi coma. We switched his biotics off for a while, then rebooted again and all the vitals are stabilized for now. But the frequent practice of such reboots is severely harmful to a human body.”

Shepard wanted to smash and destroy everything around him, but he only closed his eyes and shook his head.

“Is there anything that could prevent these … spells?” he asked quietly.

“Avoid stress, strenuous activity,” the doctor advised and Shepard gave her such a look that she regretted her words.

“In his line of work, I’m afraid it’s impossible.”

“I’m going to be frank with you, Shepard. Over time, the implant will expire. And we are powerless here. Such is fate of all the first generation biotics. If you care about Kaidan’s health, you will have to set certain priorities, make some effort. Same goes for you too. You might’ve saved the universe once, but now you need to be saving yourself. This is how things are.”

“Can I see him?” Shepard asked her.

“Of course. He’ll stay here another day or two for further tests, but he’s perfectly fine already.” Dr. Esther promptly changed her tone. She clutched a medical chart to her chest and stepped aside, inviting Shepard to go inside.

Kaidan’s room was the most common hospital ward, unlike Shepard’s temporary luxurious quarters. Kaidan was sitting on his bed among the numerous pillows and looked absolutely healthy, bright sparkles were dancing in his brown eyes again, and the fine lines in their corners crinkled when he saw Shepard.

“Hey!” Commander flashed a warm smile at him. “What is such a handsome man doing in such a godforsaken place?”

Kaidan chuckled in that peculiar, velvety voice of his.

“I’m having a strange sense of deja vu right now, Shepard,” he said.

Shepard walked up to his bed, leaned over him, and pressed his cool lips against the biotic’s forehead, relieved to feel that there was no signs of fever. Kaidan ran his hand through Shepard’s hair and pulled him lower, for a more meaningful kiss on the lips.

“Looks like we’re doomed to visit each other in hospitals, huh?”

Shepard asked, breaking the kiss to caress the major’s cheek. Kaidan leaned into his touch.

“Have you brought a bottle of whiskey?” he asked jokingly.

“Uh … no, sorry.” Shepard sat down on the bed, and their hands reached for one another at once, fingers interlacing. They just stayed like that for a while, in complete silence, assuring each other without words that everything was going to be all right. They were going to be all right, no matter what might happen.

“Why didn’t you tell me about your implant, Kaidan ?”

“I was going to. In time. Really.”

Shepard shook his head.

“When did you learn about it?”

“After the explosion. I guess everything that happened back then it was… a bit too much for me.”

“I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have dragged you along for all those damn missions.”

“Hey, Shepard!” Kaidan squeezed his hand tightly. “Back then it wouldn’t have mattered at all. Besides, I couldn’t just stay on Normandy and watch you dragging your ass into every possible kind of hell.”

Shepard smiled.

“Yeah, I know. You followed that ass through all kinds of hell instead, and saved it too on more than one occasion.”

“Ha! Exactly. Whatever happened can’t be changed, John. And besides, it was worth it. After all, I have you now, right?”

“Yes. That’s true. How are you feeling?”

“I’ll be alright. You?”

“Me too.”

“You promise me?”

“Promise”

Shepard leaned in to him again and pressed his forehead against Kaidan’s.

“As soon as things get better, we’ll go to Vancouver. Away from all of this. Just you and me.”

“We both deserved rest, Major.”

Kaidan put his arms around him. And his world was once again filled with meaning.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sexy times ahead

_"Shepard! Shepard!"_

_Once again the infinite space dotted with stars is opening up before him. Once again Shepard looks down at his hands, all covered in blood, his or someone else's, he can’t say for sure. He looks back over her shoulder…_

_The voice is calling him, lamenting, begging for help. The voice that is so familiar. This time it stirs something in his memory. He almost grasps at it, almost sees it, and this "almost" drives him crazy._

_This time, Shepard doesn’t give in; he makes effort to gather himself up on his weak trembling legs, barely able to keep his weight. Pain shoots through his body, and he bends over, panting, trying to recover some remnants of strength. Each breath he takes is echoed by a whistle in his injured lungs. And yet, Shepard takes a step towards the voice._

_Everything around him changes then, and he finds himself standing in a spacious hall, full of dead bodies. Shepard keeps limping past them, trying not to take a closer look, because otherwise he starts recognizing each and every one of them. The voice keeps guiding him forward, and he thinks he can distinguish a blurred radiant shape ahead. If only he takes a little more pain, he might be able to save someone, somehow, that might justify all these mountains of corpses. However, last of his strength is fading quickly, and in the end, he sinks to his knees again..._

_"I ... I can’t," he whispers quietly, but no sound comes out of his mouth. “I can’t.”_

_And then gravity is swiped from under his feet, and an incredible, uncontrollable force pushes him back into the open space, back into the abyss of stars...._

Shepard was looking out of the taxi-shuttle window, replaying the strange obsessive dream in his head once again. He’d already learnt that his dreams and visions never appeared out of nowhere just like that, they always meant something. Shepard hardly considered himself superstitious, but his experience was telling him that there was something to worry about. _Did this dream mean that another trouble was coming? Will he have to sacrifice again?_ _His life? Or lives of those close to him?_ He knew that he could do it no more.

Outside, the streets and familiar buildings of Vancouver were flashing by. The city had been destroyed in many places, buried under ruins, but at the same time, unlike London, it remained recognizable. There was almost no traffic on their way, all the activity was now taking place near the surface. Clear, bright sky was unravelling before Shepard’s eyes. Consumed by his thoughts, he kept glancing at Kaidan, who was sitting next to him in the passenger seat. He wasn’t used to seeing him in civilian clothes - jeans, T-shirt and a leather jacket. No armor or the usual fatigues, which, it seemed, had become their second skin. Now, both were carrying a holster with one single pistol and it was the only thing reminding of their military status. Shepard had to admit, the feeling of a weapon against his thigh was soothing.

Two months had passed since he was finally discharged from the hospital. After that, there were endless tests and all the necessary training. Shepard regained his former physical form in no time but he remained under Kaidan’s constant personal supervision. Hackett himself assigned this to him as a "priority task". However, at the same time Shepard was suspended from military service in peacetime due to his injuries.

 Quite suddenly, Kaidan was offered a position of human ambassador in the Council, and now he was seriously considering this offer. Mostly, because he too wanted to quit active military service. Shepard was insisting on this. There’d been no more accidents with his L2 so far, but the memory of the scare they both had to go through was still fresh.

They didn’t know what kind of future might be waiting for them, but at the same time, they never discussed it. They had it, fate granted them that chance, and this alone seemed more than enough to them. Making plans, guessing and suggesting seemed to be like some kind of a crime. Both were too afraid to get carried away with hopes and dreams, afraid that they might lose it all overnight. Instead, they preferred to live in a fleeting present and timidly accept those precious bonuses they were allowed to receive from life, without tormenting each other with thirst for more.

Kaidan looked at him when he heard the soft cranking of gears in the commander’s arm: Shepard put his hand on the seat next to him, palm up. The major smiled and took his hand without hesitation, their fingers intertwining. This small reassuring gesture had become an integral part of that boundless notion that defined _them_. Their gravity, a much needed reminder of what was their meaning, their score, their reason, a small victory they both had carried out of this war.

“You alright?” Kaidan asked him.

“Yeah, I’m okay. You?” Shepard replied, circling his thumb over the major's fingers.

Kaidan merely nodded in response.

“Nervous?” Shepard asked.

“Ha-ha!” the major laughed, his voice velvety and deep. “Me? Nervous? No way!”

Sly sparks were dancing in Shepard’s right eye.

"Well, you know, you gonna get a scolding from you mum for that sweater you neglected on Noveria."

"I hope that’s all I’m getting a scolding for ..."

“Now you’re making _me_ nervous too.”

Kaidan shook his head, smile still tagging at the corner of his lips. There was so much warmth in his eyes. Shepard wanted to lean closer to him and kiss every little crinkle in the corners of his eyes, every freckle above his eyebrow, that scar on his lower lip... damn, there would never be enough of this, never enough.

"It's just ... so much time’s passed, all this madness ... we’ve changed pretty damn a lot, I can’t even imagine, can’t fully believe that this is really happening."

“Kaidan. You even told her about us?”

"Umm, I said that we grew very close and...well. No." Kaidan let out a heavy sigh. "But she wants to meet you, believe me. Commander Shepard himself.”

“Okay. I have to admit, I was less nervous before that dive to Leviathan.”

“Shepard. I so don’t want to hear about your dive to that thing.”

"Aye-aye, sir."

_"Kaidan, according to my data, you will arrive at your destination in 3 minutes."_

“Whoa. What is it? You got EDI into this?”

"Only to know when we're getting close," Kaidan raised his hands apologetically. “And, to be honest, she asked for it.”

“Old Normandy team wishes you a great holiday, Spectres.”

 There was definitely no trace of irony in EDI’s voice, no,

 “And a soft landing.”

“Thank you, EDI.

Taxi was quickly approaching their destination.

***

Kaidan’s mother was completely different from the way Shepard imagined her. And lately he’d been wondering quite often what kind of person she might be, based on what the major had told him about her, based on the messages she sent to her son, which he sometimes showed Shepard.

The taxi parked by a tall multistoried building at the very center of the area overlooking the English Bay, and a middle-aged woman came out to greet them. She had piercing blue eyes and delicate features. Shepard could see resemblance to Kaidan’s features in them, but it was clear that for the most part he’d taken after his father.

She was dressed in a military tunic and trousers, a light raincoat on top of that. Autumn had already come to Vancouver, it was pretty chilly and drizzly outside. Judging by her bearing, Shepard could tell that the Alenkos were quite a well-to-do family. At least, before the war started. However, he’d been suspecting this for a while, ever since he met Kaidan.

 All her clothes were made of expensive light material, which was hard to find anywhere on Earth these days. Her rich brown hair was caught up with a long pin, and seemed to be completely unaffected by age, much like her face, although, at the same time, her age reflected in her eyes somehow.

 

"Oh, Kaidan!" she exclaimed as they got out of the shuttle. Kaidan slid his travel bag off his shoulder and dropped it to the ground, before taking his mother into his arms. "It’s been such a long time. Too long. I missed you so much!”

"I missed you too, Mum," Kaidan told her, hugging her tightly. His voice faltered, and Shepard dropped his gaze to the ground, smiling shyly. He was simultaneously embarrassed and happy to witness this much anticipated family reunion. He was truly sorry that not all of them could be present here on such a day. Not so long ago, the death of Kaidan’s father was officially confirmed.

"Commander John Shepard."

Shepard looked up as she turned to him. Mrs. Alenko hurriedly wiped tears from her beautiful face and approached him.

"Mrs. Alenko," he nodded curtly, and smiled, sincerely hoping that his smile turned out at least half likable and good-natured behind all the scars.

He offered her his good left hand, and she gladly accepted it, taking it in both of hers, soft and warm, hands that didn’t know harsh battles and hot heavy weapons.

"It's such an honor to meet you," she said, and Shepard's smile widened, he blinked hastily several times, touched deeply by how openly he was accepted. Despite their difference in appearance, he was almost certain that this steadfast, seemingly cold woman had Kaidan’s kind nature and warm heart. He sent a quick surprised glance at him over Mrs. Alenko's shoulder, when she suddenly wrapped her arms around him, taking him into embrace just as warm and loving as she’d just given her son. And for the first time in all these years, Shepard really felt at home.

"Likewise, Mrs. Alenko, likewise" he said, hugging her awkwardly. Kaidan gave him a prettiest wink behind her back.

They went back into the house and took the elevator up to the very top floor, which was all at the Alenkos’ disposal. The interior there was also very little like what Shepard imagined. All the rooms were furnished in elegant “antique” style and despite the presence of modern technologies, it seemed as if the interior was brought here straight from the 14th or 15th century. The rooms were spacious, flooded with light emanating from huge windows which overlooked the English Bay. Shepard could easily imagine young Kaidan sitting on the balcony and staring dreamily at the horizon, to the place where the rays of the setting sun lit up all his dreams.

“Wow!” he couldn’t help but exclaim. "I... could only dream of something like that back in my childhood."

"Feel at home, Shepard ... John," Mrs. Alenko told him. “Kaidan will show you our orchard too. It is located near Vancouver. Unfortunately, it was partly ruined after the last Reaper attack, and ...  we haven’t been able to restore much of it yet. It takes time. But there're still things to see there. And, perhaps, you’ll have time to visit Sunshine Coast too. I haven’t been there myself yet, but Sunshine Coast is one of the few places that remained untouched by the war.”

 "All in good time, Mum” Kaidan said. "Tell us about yourself. How have you been? What’s  been happening recently?”

"I'll tell you at dinner. Of course I will. Both of you are probably tired after such a long journey and wouldn’t want to listen to my stories on an empty stomach.”

The dinner was nothing like the "Canadian delicacies" which Kaidan liked to make a boast about, but a simple homemade meal. After the hospital food, and even more so, after the junk they had to eat back on Normandy, this seemed to Shepard like something boarding on heavenly, blissful, because no French restaurant or sushi bar in the whole universe was capable of this. Mrs. Alenko, flattered by his appetite, was telling them about how she’d spent these past few years. Some of it Shepard already knew from the messages she sent to Kaidan regularly, but most information remained to him completely new.

Kaidan’s mother had to close off the wine-making business temporarily after the orchard was destroyed and her husband died. Wine was still being produced, but in much smaller, limited quantities, and the orchard was left unattended for the most part. However, in the future, with Kaidan’s support, she hoped to revive this business. At the present time she was working under Hackett’s command, sponsoring numerous projects to support families of war victims and refugees, to restore the war-affected city and the overall economy of the country. Mrs. Alenko was an honorary member of the interplanetary social security committee. It was absolutely clear from what she said that she wasn’t wasting her time idly, but did everything in her power to help those who suffered from the war.

"I'm very proud of you, Kaidan," she said to the major. “Is it true that they offered you a position in the Council?”

"Yeah, that’s true...but I haven’t made up my mind about that yet," Kaidan said, looking down.

Of course, they didn’t tell her anything about his implants, and neither Kaidan nor Shepard were planning on doing so. It would’ve been just another absolutely unnecessary heavy blow.

“You are a big boy already and can make your own decisions perfectly fine, Kaidan. Whatever you decide on this, know that I’m always on your side, “she said, smiling warmly at him.

Shepard told her a little about himself, carefully avoiding any allusions to his relationship with her son, while trying to assess if she herself already guessed what was happening between them. As far as he could see, Mrs. Alenko was an extremely shrewd woman and the fact that Commander Shepard paid a visit to her house most certainly aroused some suspicions.

"I’m sorry, but I won’t stay here with you this evening,” she said after dinner, generously burdening Kaidan’s hands with dishes.

“Why not, Mrs. Alenko?” Shepard asked, instinctively trying to help Kaidan with the dishes, but the man only gently pushed him away with his hip. Both immediately caught a hold of themselves, and recoiled from each other. Shepard awkwardly rubbed his neck.

“Hackett invited me to the opera today,” she was saying innocently, smiling at him as she folded her arms over her chest. Something was telling Shepard that she’d guessed all about them alright. “Can you believe it? Opera! The first one after the Reaper war. Council approved my proposition. I think all of us now need some distraction with art, even if just a small one. It will help to cope with wounds that no medicine can cure. Besides, I don’t think you’ll need me here at all, am I right?”

She definitely _knew_.

Shepard was still rubbing his neck awkwardly.

Somewhere from the kitchen came a sound of glass shuttering on the floor.

“Kaidan!!” Mrs. Alenko’s voice was suddenly so full of command and firmness that Shepard straightened up and stood to attention against his will. “Ah, so much time has passed, but in many ways he is still the same little child.”

She looked at Shepard good-naturedly.

“Am I right?” she asked. And Shepard felt the flush creeping up to his cheeks.

“Um …” he managed.

“So, Hackett invited you, Mum?” Kaidan asked from the kitchen. “Something I should know about?”

“No more than I already know about you, my dear,” Mrs. Alenko replied. “You make sure you pick up all that glass and sweep the floor after. And don’t make John here help you. He is our guest. At least for now.”

“I heard you.”

Mrs. Alenko left but before she did so, she remembered to leave souvenirs for them both. The souvenirs were sweaters she’d knitted herself for each of them. Shepard and Kaidan exchanged meaningful glances when she handed them in. “In case you will have to travel to Noveria again,” she remarked jokingly. The sweaters were completely identical.

“Congratulations, John, you are now officially a member of Alenkos family,” Kaidan sighed.

“I don’t even know what to say ….” Shepard mused.

“It will be better if you don’t say anything, okay?”

They set the boxes with gifts aside on the sofa and looked around.

“What now?” Shepard asked.

“Poker?" the major suggested.

Shepard nodded approvingly. They settled in the living room and tossed the cards.

About an hour later, Shepard hopelessly lost his shirt to Kaidan.

“Alright, alright, you’ve won! I give up!”

“James is the only one who managed to beat me at poker, Shepard. Well, there is Traynor, of course, she’s damn hard to read, but you… you’re so easy. Too selfless for this, really…”

“Oh, stop it, Alenko. “

“Fine”, Kaidan chuckled and looked at Shepard with a mischievous glint in his eyes. “But now the winner gets a wish.”

“Shit. Am I at your mercy here, Major?” Shepard sighed and covered his eyes, shaking his head dramatically.

“I’m afraid you are, Commander”, that glint wasn’t going anywhere and Shepard had a bad feeling about what kind of wishes the major was entertaining in his head.

“Okay, I want… you to try on Mum’s sweater”

“Hell no!”

“Hell yeah! You are so gonna do it, Shepard!”

“No!”

“She made it for you, damn it, show her some respect,” Shepard always knew there was something wicked about Kaidan but he never expected him to be this cruel. Seriously? Was he going to keep insisting?

“Do it, John, for me. Please.”

Those sweet caramel eyes never left him, bore into him so expectantly. How could he possibly ever refuse anything to those eyes?

“God do I hate you sometimes…” he mumbled.

“Come on, it’s not that bad.”

Reluctantly, Shepard pulled up the box and took out the sweater. It wasn’t bad at all actually, and very pleasant to the touch, but those patterns with spruces were making him immensely uncomfortable for some reason. 

He pulled it on over his head and the sweater wrapped his body in its pleasant warmth. It was a bit too loose on him.

“Happy now?” Shepard asked, not daring to look up at Kaidan who was obviously enjoying his embarrassment.   

“Not yet, but we’re getting there,” he said with such playfulness in his voice that Shepard did dare to steal a glance at him.  His cheeks flushed when he saw heat sparkling in Kaidan’s eyes. “Now strip. Leave that sweater on, though.”

“What?”

“You heard me.”

“I think I’ve lost only one round, and that means you get one single wish, Alenko…”

“Shepard. Don’t try and wiggle your way out now. It’s not that kind of situation. What? Are you scared?”

_To hell with it._

He took out Reapers practically with his bare hands. What could possibly be a problem now!

Shepard rose to his feet and deftly undid his jeans, dragging them down along newly built muscles of his thighs. The sweater was barely covering him, but it was nevertheless, if he didn’t move around much. He stepped out of his boots, and shuffled his jeans aside with his foot. Then he straightened up and looked at Kaidan expectantly, treacherous flush now spreading down his neck to his collarbone.

“Go on,” Kaidan said, eyes roaming over Shepard’s lean body.

Shepard shook his head, lowered his eyes to the floor and laughed nervously. He then tugged at his briefs, and slowly slid them down too, discovering only now that he was already fully hard under them. Was he getting off on this? Seemed like only his mind was still protesting, sending waves of embarrassment, mixed with sharp arousal all over his heated body.

So he was standing there, in front of Kaidan, in nothing but his mother’s sweater, which thankfully was long enough to cover him up, but not big enough to hide how aroused he was. What would Mrs. Alenko say if she saw him right now? Shepard blinked the horrifying image away.

“Come over here, “Kaidan said softly, his voice pure velvet, holding his hand out for Shepard. The commander walked around the table, terribly aware of how everything was picking from under the hem of the damn sweater with his every movement. He took Kaidan’s hand and everything went right downhill from there. Kaidan pulled him into his lap, mercilessly pushing the sweater up to his chest and letting his hands roam over the exposed flesh. Shepard shivered under the touch, his hard cock bumping into Kaidan’s stomach, his hips moving on their own accord, searching the much needed friction. Kaidan pulled him in and kissed him roughly, their kiss wet and urgent, deepening quickly, tongues fighting for dominance. Kaidan pulled away to take a breath and Shepard tried to remember when exactly he was pushed onto the sofa so that Kaidan was on top of him, arms wrapped tightly around his back under the sweater. The major’s straining erection was now obvious under his jeans as he was grinding relentlessly against Shepard’s bare thigh.

“I think you need to strip too,” Shepard said, breathless, needy. One of his hands was tangled in Kaidan’s well-groomed hair, wrecking it mercilessly; the other was on his own throbbing dick, stroking it roughly. It was only now when Shepard realized that he was doing it with his mechanical hand. The material it was made of wasn’t as soft as his own skin but he was hardly complaining.

“Yeah,” Kaidan nodded, smashing his hips against Shepard’s once more.   “Can I…Can I…? Will you let me fuck you? “

“You want to fuck me?”

Kaidan sucked the air in loudly.

“Yes. Yes, John…You have no idea…”

Shepard’s cock twitched at the suggestion and the thickness of Kaidan’s voice, at the way his pupils dilated and grew dangerously dark with want. Shepard looked deep into them and nodded.

“Okay,” he said.

Kaidan left him suddenly. Cool air hit his skin and he had to wait, dealing with a sudden rush of aching emptiness, with the way his skin was burning and his body growing tense all over. He was still wearing the pine sweater. With a sigh of irritation he pulled it over his head and tossed it aside.

 “Kaidan…?” he called out weakly, trying his best to refrain from touching his weeping cock. And then Kaidan was back again with a bottle of lube in his hand, stripping on his way back to the sofa.

“Huh! You’ve probably just broke the undressing speed record,” Shepard said, sliding his hands back over Kaidan’s lithe body, guiding his fingers over each bump and curve, treasuring each moment.

“Easy enough when you’ve got such a sight in front of you,” Kaidan leaned down to Shepard, trailing kisses along the line of his jaw. Shepard craned his neck for him, letting him pass those greedy kisses down his neck. Kaidan bit lightly at the delicate skin there, touching his lips to the hollow at the base of his neck and sucking on his skin there gently before soothing it with the wetness of his tongue. Shepard moaned under him spreading his legs for him when Kaidan’s hand gently made its way between his legs, fingers barely teasing his entrance. Shepard touched the back of his neck and brought their foreheads together.

“K., I-I haven’t done this… in a while…,” he whispered apologetically.

 “Me neither, “the major replied, kissing the tip of his nose. “Don’t worry, I’ll be careful with you. Tell me if you need me to stop, okay?”

“Okay. I trust you.”

Kaidan’s lips caught his again, as he took him in hand and stroked him several times, smearing pre-come over the tip, savoring the needy noises Shepard was making under him.

John took the bottle of lube from him and opened it, urgently coating his own fingers and guiding them down to his entrance. He pushed one inside, a gasp fell from his lips, Kaidan groaned deeply too, a sight too tempting not to lose his composure. Commander Shepard opening himself up for him like that. He squeezed Shepard’s thighs, no doubt, leaving marks for later and moved his legs further apart, leaving Shepard completely exposed for him. The commander added in the second finger, hips now moving desperately to meet the rhythm of his own hand.

 “Fuck, Shepard, look at you….” Kaidan’s eyes locked with his as the major let his own finger follow two of Shepard’s. John tossed his head back and Kaidan took an opportunity to lavish his exposed neck with kisses. “You’re so beautiful.”

Shepard pulled his fingers out and was at once rewarded with Kaidan’s second and then third one as he wrapped his hand around Kaidan’s heavy cock and stroked him, coating him with the remains of lube, whimpering softly from penetration he was receiving.

Kaidan withdrew his hand, leaving Shepard empty for a moment and then he took his thighs, pulled Shepard up in his arms and pushed into him gently, inch by inch, until he filled him completely. They went still for a while, both breathless and flushed all over. Then Shepard started rolling his hips, urging Kaidan to move with him. He pulled out and thrust back in deeply, finding the perfect angle. Shepard squeezed his eyes shut, brows drown together and in a few more thrusts he was coming all over his stomach with a quiet cry. Kaidan hid his face in the curve of his neck, biting at his shoulder, lost in pleasure completely, slamming relentlessly into Shepard’s pliant body. His thrusts faltered soon and Shepard held him tight as Kaidan found his release deep inside of him.

He stayed inside for a few moments, catching his breath as Shepard was kissing him lazily along his neck and shoulders.

“One hell of a poker wish,” he chuckled, voice rough and raspy.

He felt Kaidan puff a laugh into his neck.

“I love you, John, “he said.

Shepard smiled and brushed his stubbed cheek against Kaidan’s before meeting his lips in a lazy sloppy kiss. Kaidan pulled out of him and he hissed, pulling away.

“Did I hurt you?”

“No! No, you were so good. It’s just been too long…”

“I’ll make sure to thank Mum for that sweater.”

“Oh, it’s gonna haunt me in my dreams!”

“I hope those will be wet dreams.”

“Once you made an appearance in that thing they might be.”

“One day when you beat me at poker…we’ll see.”

“I should practice.”

“You should.”

Dizziness was taking over them. Kaidan turned in his arms, so that now he was lying with his back pressed into Shepard. John put his arm around him.

“We should move from the sofa, John, it’s too tight here for both of us,” he remarked, shifting uncomfortably.

“Yeah …, sure, let’s just stay a minute longer,” Shepard muttered. “Or do you think we’re done here?”

“Oh! Is that so?” Kaidan turned to him slightly, smiling as he let Shepard’s hand slip and splay across his chest. Kaidan put his hand over John’s nape and pulled him in for a kiss.

“Unless, of course, you don’t have any more calories left to burn.”

“Are you deliberately underestimating me now, Shepard?” Kaidan asked him slyly.

“Not at all,” Shepard replied, as his hand found its way to Kaidan’s hip, gently squeezing it, fingers stroking the soft skin up and down. “I expected nothing less from you. You know, ever since that date back at Apollo.”

Kaidan chuckled and ran his hand through his ruffled hair in vain attempt to fix it back in place.

“Could’ve told me right away that you wanted it too”

Shepard sighed.

“Doesn’t matter now “

They fell silent in each other’s arms again, both thinking about “the matters and meanings”, about how swift and merciless time can be.

Shepard’s thoughts were the same, swift and merciless.

He leaned in and pressed his lips to Kaidan’s nape, right to that most vulnerable spot of his biotic, where the skin was particularly hot, as the amp port was humming relentlessly under it, hidden behind thick black hair. Shepard placed a lingering kiss there and closed his eyes. A broken sigh escaped him. Kaidan froze in his arms,

“What are you doing?” he asked quietly, but at the same time a silent understanding settled between them. Kaidan covered Shepard’s hand and pressed it to his chest.

Shepard had no idea what he was doing, he only knew that he wanted to protect Kaidan at any cost, wanted to protect what they had, something that fate was so urgently seeking to take away from him, from both of them. This small gesture stirred a whole storm of emotions in him, and he could hardly tell why. He tried anyway,

“I….listen, Kaidan ….”

“John, everything gonna be fine.”

Hot lips touched his nape once again, and Kaidan felt Shepard’s body tremble. John pressed his cheek to his back. Kaidan could swear that the man was trying to hold back tears and then he felt Shepard sob quietly behind him. He turned around to him, cupped his face gently, looked into his eyes, and Shepard hurriedly wiped away wetness gathering there.

“Everything will be fine,” he told him insistently.

Shepard shook his head, squeezed Kaidan’s shoulder.

“This war, this fucking war, will never be over,” he said, breathing heavily.

“It is over, John, it is over.”

Shepard trailed his fingers over Kaidan’s neck. Tears rolled down his right cheek, one after another.

“Here, look,” Kaidan took his hand and guided it to the back of his neck, pressing it slightly to the vulnerable port. “I’m alright. I’m here, I’ve got you.”

“I can’t ever lose you again, K. You hear me?”

Kaidan pulled him close and held him tightly until Shepard calmed down a bit, clinging to him.

Did they win? Did they prevail? Certainly. But they both had been broken by the war and so beyond repair that not even most advanced of technologies could fix them and assemble them back into a single whole. In this, they could only rely on each other.

Commander Shepard was broken and Kaidan held in his arms only pieces of him, pulled out from the ruins of Citadel. He himself was nothing but a burning candle, a spark scorched from the inside. But, ultimately, they were all just dust in space, and Kaidan wasn’t ready to give up so easily. He’d been through hell with Shepard, and he will lead him on, he’ll make him see that they still have so much ahead of them.

When Shepard stopped trembling and relaxed completely, Kaidan got up from the sofa and took his hand, urging him to follow.

“Come on,” he said, in response to the questioning look of Shepard’s red-rimmed eyes. “Come with me.”

“Where?” the commander asked in a hoarse voice.

“The shower, of course, John. A long and warming shower. I want to make you forget everything.”

“That…won’t be easy.”

“Wanna bet? Bet my mother’s sweater?”

Shepard smiled faintly, took Kaidan’s hand and followed him.

“You’re incorrigible.”


	7. Chapter 7

The day was dawning steadfastly, and the sunlight was gradually sneaking up to the bed where Shepard was sleeping. The sun rays slipped across his body, heating his skin up until he woke up completely. Shepard turned over to lie on his back and stretched his limbs. His whole body ached, but, he had to admit, it wasn’t a bad kind of ache. He smiled at the new day, remembering that he had no duties waiting for him, no reports to finish, no orders to carry out and no missions. Only Kaidan.

He could hear the sound of running water coming somewhere from the bathroom. Eventually, it prompted him to untangle from the warm blanket. He padded to the bathroom slowly, rubbing his eyes and smoothing his hair tousled from sleep. There he found Kaidan, who didn’t notice him at once, or pretended not to notice him. Shepard, taking advantage of the situation, leaned against the doorframe and watched with a smirk tugging at the corner of his lips as the major was shaving. Something he’d never had an opportunity to witness before. Kaidan was doing it carefully, fully absorbed in the process, remembering to leave two perfect stripes of light stubble by his whiskers, to emphasize the line of his cheekbones. Shepard had already noted on more than one occasion that the major had a tiny streak of vanity in his character when it came to his appearance. And he liked that streak. _All of his streaks_ , Shepard thought, as his gaze traveled lower down Kaidan’s broad back, to the prominent dimples at its base.

He failed to notice when Kaidan spotted him in the mirror and smiled at him.

"Morning, Commander," he said softly. “Sleep well?”

"Better than ever."

"I'm glad to hear that."

Instinctively, Shepard ran a hand through his own rapidly growing beard.

“Want to join?” Kaidan suggested. After the night they had, John could see the skin on his neck and shoulders was still covered with fresh burns from his own stubble, and he felt a stab of guilt.

"Maybe..." he considered.

Kaidan handed him a razor, and now they both were standing in front of the mirror, performing the same morning routine.

"Your mother’s coming back today?" Shepard asked.

"No, but she’ll probably meet us here when we get back."

“Get back?”

“Yes. I told you I was going to show you the orchard. If that’s alright with you, of course.”

"Absolutely," Shepard told him. He tried to pretend that he was handling the razor fine, but it soon became obvious that this just wasn’t the case. Shaving with his left hand seemed risky. It was also quite impossible to trust his right hand, because he still couldn’t fully control its strength. Much less so when it concerned such a delicate task. He gave up soon, sighed hopelessly and tossed the razor into the sink.

"Seems like I'll have to stick to the beard a bit longer,” he concluded.

Kaidan picked up his razor and turned to him.

“Allow me?” he offered.

He smelled sweet, of soap and aftershave, his presence was so intoxicating that Shepard was losing any ability to reason.

"What?" he asked.

Kaidan took a step closer, snaking his arm around his waist, stroking John’s warm skin encouragingly with his thumb.

"Yeah, sure," the commander acquiesced, obediently tilting his head. Kaidan kissed his neck, his lips, before proceeding. His moves were light, confident and Shepard envied him against his will, while his body was reacting strongly to all those touches. Their gazes were continually meeting, interlocking. Despite the fact that they practically didn’t speak, a silent conversation had started between them. It was there, in the slight turn of their heads, in warm smiles, nods, touches.

"Will you be my new barber?" Shepard asked him softly.

"As if you ever had the old one?" Kaidan remarked jokingly, applying his aftershave over the commander's now perfectly smooth cheeks, deliberately taking his time while doing so and enjoying the way Shepard chased his touch. "You never even bothered with some kind of haircut."

"Definitely not as much as you. Is it true that biotics can help with keeping your hair like that?”

Kaidan laughed.

“No! Joker and I just had a little too much to drink back then, John. Biotics only help in combat. Well, and in something else.”

"Is that so?" Shepard raised an eyebrow.

Kaidan carded his fingers through John’s disheveled hair and smoothed it down gently.

"I'll show you sometime. If you promise to keep a secret.”

“I’ll hold you to that.”

***

When it was verging on noon they took Kaidan's father’s old car and set out on their little journey. They mostly kept silent throughout the drive, words weren’t necessary. Besides, Kaidan, much like Shepard himself, was completely absorbed in watching landscapes they were passing on their most ordinary four wheeled "Ford" of the 21st century, a model long considered as antique.

Shepard was looking around with an almost childish astounded expression on his face. Old roads, courtyards, evergreen forests and mountains dotted with lakes and green meadows. On one hand, all of this reminded them both just for how long they hadn’t had a taste of ordinary simple life, how they completely forgot it. But at the same time, on the other hand, it seemed to them now that they had always been here and never left Earth, never traveled all those light years to explore other worlds, where one exotic landscape was replaced by another in an endless string. And at other times their lives were mostly encased behind the confining walls of Normandy, among cold stars and black abyss. The simplicity and delightful sameness of what was opening to their eyes now, got to their heads, filled their hearts with happiness. The kind of happiness they’d long forbidden themselves to remember.

“Do we really deserve all this, Kaidan?” was all Shepard asked.

Kaidan looked at him from the driver’s seat, surprised at the question. He didn’t reply for a long time and Shepard forgot he’d asked it when the major said,

“You deserve it like no one else. This is all for you.”

It was Shepard’s turn to look surprised.

“What, even you?”

“Even me, John.”

Shepard smiled at that and shook his head, turning to the window again to stare at the herd of most ordinary Earth cows peacefully grazing upon the hill near a farm. Was it even possible that all that wasn’t some kind of a dream? Shepard still didn’t believe, couldn’t believe. Maybe he just died after all, and his brain was being revived artificially, as a model for scientific research. That was probably it. He must have got stuck in a coma, lying on the operating table, while an army of clones was being made out of him, or some new unique form of Reapers.

Ford slowly made its way up the narrow mountain road, then went smoothly down again on the other side of the hill.

“We’re getting close,” Kaidan said.

  
A breathtaking view of the lake unveiled before them. A farm equipped with advanced tech of the latest century could be seen not far from its shore. For the most part, once light and elegant structure was ruined by fire and still smoldering in places.

“As Mum was saying, the orchard seriously suffered in the war. For a long time, there was no one to even put out the fire that started after explosion. Now only the eastern unit remains functional.”

“I imagined this orchard a bit… different,” Shepard said.

“How?”

Shepard shrugged.

“Like…an orchard? You’ve got some serious business here, as far as I can see.”

“In the better days, there were about hundred people working there, only a third of them humans. Wine business flourished. Now we might stumble upon….some ten workers at best … and then, I seriously doubt they’re even working now. But the "real” orchard is there, John, I promise, and I’m going to show it to you. “

The old Ford went around the ruined structure that didn’t seem as impressive at a closer distance, and pulled up by the elegant carved gate through which the abandoned orchard could be seen. It was waned by a light haze produced as a result of water condensers still operating.

For some strange reason, Shepard’s heart was threatening to jump out of his chest. From the very start of their friendship, Kaidan often mentioned this place, and now he was about to finally see it with his own eyes.

Kaidan connected his omni-tool to the lock on the gate and opened it without slightest effort. When they ventured into the orchard, he stopped, fiddling with his omni-tool again. There was a click in the air and the condensers stopped working. The haze gradually dissipated, and the gates behind them closed.

"That’s much better,” he remarked.

Shepard looked around. His first thought was that the orchard was huge, even considering that it was only a small part of it that survived the war. The smell of fresh apples, foliage and damp tree bark hit him. And once again Shepard found himself wondering how he could forget all this, for how long this true feeling of happiness was buried deep inside. He traveled everywhere, through all the farthest corners of the galaxy, but never saw anything quite like this, anything so dear to him. Not in the newly born world of Tuchanka, or on the fallen Thessia, not on stuffy Benning or artificial Citadel, not among the frosty valleys of Noveira….This Earth was truly worthy of all the sacrifices, because it was the only one, unique. No matter how many light years he might put behind him, his heart will always belong to this planet. And to the one who was now helping him to rediscover it.

“Do you like it?” Kaidan asked, reaching for Shepard’s hand and gently threading their fingers. John tightened his hold and smiled at the major.

“Not bad at all,” he said, remembering how to breathe.

For some time they wandered around the orchard, observing it in complete silence, holding hands and enjoying the tranquility of this little forgotten world where they were all alone.

Their walk was frequently interrupted by a long kiss or a short conversation on unrelated, non-military topics. Shepard realized then that they kept silent also because he’d simply forgotten how to talk about something other than war, something other than missions and tactics and weapons. Or maybe he’d never even learnt such things in the first place. His words were scant, and he was bad at expressing his feelings. But it seemed that this meaningful silence was enough for Kaidan.

They reached the central part of the orchard, where some trees were broken or completely uprooted by the missiles. Several missiles still lay right there on soft soil. Kaidan walked up to one of the young apple trees and picked a red ripe fruit from it. Without hesitation, he offered it to Shepard. The warm amber of his eyes flashed. Shepard accepted the apple, trying his best to ignore all the possible biblical allusions, which he’d heard about such an action. Kaidan picked another apple for himself and was now turning it in his hands, eyes cast low.

“Listen, Shepard …., John … I would eh-….I wanted to talk to you. About something important,” he began hesitantly, and Shepard’s heart faltered for a moment, he tensed, fearing that this moment might be ruined by some bad news. But no, Kaidan wouldn’t do this to him. Not now. “Oh, shit, I have no idea how to begin …”

Kaidan rubbed at his temples nervously and sighed.

“Something wrong, Kaidan?” Shepard asked him, forgetting about the apple and everything else in the world.

“No-no! It’s alright…,” Kaidan reassured him. “I just need you to tell me…”

At that very moment, the loudest thunder rolled above them, and water poured from the sky. It wasn’t even rain, but one solid blanket of water. All while the sun was still shining brightly over the orchard, and the sky remained crystal clear.

“What the…??”

“Come on, over here!”

Kaidan grabbed Shepard by the sleeve of his jacket and dragged him away, farther into the orchard. There, in the shade of the oldest of apple trees, sat a tiny rickety wooden hovel, one of those Shepard once saw on old vintage photos from the 19th century. They headed directly to it and literally fell inside through a low, dwarfish door. Inside it was dark and damp and it smelled of earth. A cobweb landed right on Shepard’s nose on their way in and he brushed it off with disgust. Kaidan shut the squeaky door behind them and for a while the hovel was filled with nothing but their panting. Both of them were soaked to the bone.

“Rain sensors must be jammed. I turned off those condensers, and they probably figured that it’s drought now.”

“Fuck, Kaidan.”

“Sorry.”

The hovel had no windows, except for a small hole in one of the walls. Daylight was getting in through it as well as through the wide breaches between the wooden boards. The hovel was empty, except for an old rusty bunk bed and a wooden table with suspicious empty tins scattered all over it.

“They uhm….they used to store fertilizers here.”

“Good to know, because I thought about something worse at first …”

The artificially created rain was now raging outside, everything was gradually sinking into murky darkness, with lightning flashing white in it, and thunder roaring in a belated echo. Shepard and Kaidan, now used to this darkness, were looking at each other, smiling mysteriously.

Shepard took the apple out of the pocket of his jacket and Kaidan followed his suit. Those orchard apples were amazingly sweet to the taste, completely unlike those artificial plain imitations that were sold on other planets for immense amounts of credits.

“Best apples in the galaxy,” Shepard noted, taking another bite of the precious fruit. A trickle of juice strayed down his chin, and he wiped it with the back of his hand, catching Kaidan’s curious gaze.

“So…, what was that biotic trick you mentioned?” Shepard asked.

“Hmm?” Kaidan asked. “Ah, that… well, nothing special really. Something I’ve learned…, by accident.”

“Okay. Show me?”

Kaidan chuckled.

“What? Right now?”

“When else?” Shepard shrugged and put his apple aside on the table. Now he was curious. “Why are you being so shy all of a sudden?”

“I’m not being shy,” Kaidan protested, narrowing his eyes. “I’m just not sure if we should do this _now_.”

“It’s alright. I promise I won’t tell anybody. K.?”

Kaidan folded his arm over his chest, pondering. After a while, he seemed to finally cast his doubts away.

“Fine. But…, don’t judge me too harshly, okay?”

“Sure thing.”

Kaidan moved to stand in front of him, keeping a few steps of distance between them.

 “Just…relax now, will you?”

Shepard closed his eyes and took a deep breath, leaning his back against the wall. He breathed out through his nose and opened his eyes again, looking at Kaidan expectantly.

Kaidan raised one hand and made a light gesture with it, as if grabbing for some invisible rope hanging in the air. He twisted that invisible rope lightly and then unclasped his fingers.

At first Shepard didn’t feel anything but then there it was, a feathery tingling sensation starting by the hollow at the base of his neck and spreading down along his chest, expanding somewhere at the level of his abdomen, and sending sweet vibrations straight down to his cock while at the same time hitting that special sensitive spot inside of him with such intensity that he practically saw stars and his vision darkened for a moment. His own biotics flared, he groaned, pushing his ass helplessly against the wall, feeling himself growing hard instantly.

“What was that?!” he asked breathlessly, still recovering from the literal biotic stimulation of prostrate. “Where’ve you learnt that??”

“I told you already…, by accident,” Kaidan said, stepping back into the shadows and looking at Shepard somewhat apologetically, but with a gleam of curiosity nevertheless.

Shepard pushed away from the wall and followed him.

“I don’t believe you,” he said. “This? By accident? Someone’s taught you, Kaidan.”

"Does it really matter now, John?”

Shepard kept the tense silence between them, thinking.

“I suppose it doesn’t,” he said at last.

“ _You_ asked, I didn’t insist.”

“It’s alright. In fact, I actually enjoyed what you did to me.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, really. You should teach me that someday.”

Kaidan’s eyes flashed.

“Are you going to use it on enemies or what?”

Shepard smirked at that remark.

“Nah, I just need to find some other ways to practice my own biotics.”

They were both staring at each other now, both wanting, needing to be closer.

The rain was knocking gently but persistently against the roof of their temporary shelter.

Kaidan started to unbuckle his jeans and Shepard reached for his own belt on reflex, undoing the gun holster promptly. Kaidan’s jeans slid down to his ankles and his briefs followed shortly. He didn’t say anything but his eyes were speaking volumes as they roamed over Shepard’s capable hands. He took his half hard length in hand and stroked it to full hardness, never taking his heated gaze away from Shepard. _You’re so beautiful_ , Shepard thought, watching the taunt muscles of Kaidan’s tensed thighs twitch.

“You’re too,” Kaidan rasped and Shepard realized that he actually said it out loud.

He took one last step into Kaidan’s personal space and claimed his lips.

“Things you do to me, Kaidan. Fuck,” he whispered hotly into his partner’s ear, biting at his earlobe gently, passionately. Kaidan moaned.

“Show me,” he said, hissing as Shepard’s teeth assaulted the delicate skin of his neck and his calloused hands grabbed his ass.

Shepard turned him around roughly and manhandled him toward the table. Kaidan spread his palms over its dusty surface and arched his back a little, eagerly presenting himself to Shepard. John had to fight the sweet temptation to just fuck him rough without any preparation. He bent over Kaidan, trailing kisses along his shoulder blades and the line of his spine, making him arch more, grinding against his heated skin. Shepard snaked his hand under Kaidan’s shirt and pulled it up, closing his fingers over one of his nipples, circling it gently, teasingly, before pinching it. Kaidan cried out and jerked up, slamming his back into Shepard’s chest, moving his ass against John’s straining erection. He was trying to keep Kaidan in place with one hand while the other was fumbling for a bottle of lube lost somewhere in the bag on his holster.

Finally he retrieved the bottle and opened it, spilling lubricant carelessly over the palm of his good hand. He guided it to Kaidan’s entrance, teasing with his fingers over the cleft of his ass.

Kaidan let out a quiet keening sound and pushed into the touch, chasing it, but then he caught Shepard’s wrist with his hand.

“No,” he said. “Your other hand.”

“What?” Shepard’s brain was too disconnected to process quickly enough. Did Kaidan want that…thing inside of him?

“Just do it with your other hand, John, damn it. I want you to. Please.”

Shepard complied. He took the bottle into the other hand. As he was slicking the mechanical fingers, he felt waves of sharp arousal coursing through his body. He was already way too close. Sounds Kaidan started making when he pushed one finger inside of him weren’t helping at all. He added another one as soon as he saw that he was making him feel good. Those fingers worked Kaidan steadily, tirelessly, spreading him and making him into a whimpering mess under Shepard.

 _“Fuck, fuck…oh fuck …”_ was flowing steadily from Kaidan’s lips along with other curses, his hips rolling and pushing back to impale him further.

It was too sweet a torture to last him long, Shepard pulled his fingers out, dragging a sound of protest from Kaidan. He took himself in hand, aligning with his entrance and thrusted gently, deeply into him, filling him to the hilt. Kaidan groaned under him, reaching back to make him move. In response Shepard grabbed his hips roughly and gave him what he needed, fucking into his slick tightness relentlessly, unable to get a hold of himself anymore. Kaidan was meeting him thrust for thrust; the tight dim room was filled with the sound of their moans, gasps, skin hitting skin, and the faint blue gleam of Kaidan’s biotics. Shepard didn’t notice it at first but when he did he faltered, slowed down.

“No, please, no, don’t stop John, please,” Kaidan pleaded.

“You okay?” Shepard asked him, feeling sparks of electricity sending vibrations deep into his own body.

“It’s just…that fucking lightning, too much ozone …in the air…I’m fine…what are you …???”

Shepard pulled out of him completely and turned him around, meeting his darkened caramel eyes, so full of need.

“Then let me at least see your face, while we’re doing this,” he said pushing Kaidan back to lie on the table as he entered him again, hardly giving him time to adjust. The tins jumped, rolled from the table and scattered all over the floor. Shepard was so close he knew he wouldn’t last much more. The rhythm he set was relentless. He pressed his forehead to Kaidan’s, slamming into the majors willing body again and again. Their noses brushed, their lips met in a desperate kind of kiss, which was more shared gasping and breathing into each other’s mouth rather than actual kissing and then Kaidan went still for a second, his now constantly glowing body tensed, thighs quivering. Shepard took his aching cock in hand and gave it a few persistent strokes, squeezing slightly.

“ _John_ …,” Kaidan whispered and bit his lip, before shutting his eyes, arching his back and spilling his release all over his stomach and chest, brows drawn together and body shuddering violently under Shepard, who was still hitting him just in the right spot inside. Shepard coaxed him through his orgasm, feeling his own, building in the pit of his stomach, powerful and just as violent. His thrust became urgent, uneven, he bent down to place a kiss on the crook between Kaidan’s neck and shoulder, marking him there. Kaidan held him tight as he came deep inside of him.

Slowly John was coming back to his senses, gently kissing Kaidan, still moving lazily inside of him. He wanted to tell him thousands of words about how important he was to him, how much he loved him, how thankful he was for every moment he spent with him.

“Kaidan…” was all he managed to say. But seeing the way Kaidan smiled at him, Shepard hoped that at least some part of what he was experiencing, Kaidan could read in his eyes.

Carefully he pulled out of him and stepped back, still breathing heavily. His legs were trembling and threated to give out. Shepard picked Kaidan’s clothes from the floor and handed them to him, realizing that he probably was in an even worse state of soreness. Kaidan smirked weakly and looked at him with most tender affection.

Shepard took another step back and flopped down on the hard rusty bed, littered with some kind of straw. He didn’t give a shit about what might have slept or been stored there once, he was exhausted and completely distracted with Kaidan, who dismounted the table and was now slowly pulling his jeans back on. As soon as he was done with this challenging task, he walked to the bed and sank down on it, joining Shepard. John’s heart jumped happily when Kaidan pressed his body flat against him, embraced him and put his head on his shoulder.

They were so carried away by this shared intimacy that didn’t even notice when the thunder had quieted down and the rain had stopped. The storm was over, and the sunlight was now pouring through the numerous gaps in the wooden walls, suddenly setting romantic undertones inside a dark, musty hovel.

When Kaidan spoke, the sunlight had already turned a rich, golden color before sunset.

“I still need to tell you something …,” he said in silence. “But I still have no idea how to begin.”

Shepard tensed up again, but Kaidan put a comforting hand over his chest.

“I’m listening,” John said quietly.

Kaidan took a deep breath.

“About my implant. It happened after…after you were gone, John. I thought that you were gone. Those were hard times for me…for everyone. And sure, everything that happened, everything that happened afterwards was a shitstorm and I had to throw myself right into it. But at the same time I felt like I was gone too, you know, like I died on the Citadel.”

“Oh, Kaidan…," Shepard turned his face away and closed his eyes.

"I lost any reason to carry on, anything to live for. To lose you like that when we were just …, when we just figured things out. When I’d found you again at last … I knew back then that things might be going this way I knew it was likely to happen, but still I couldn’t believe that you’d leave me like that, disappear from my life. Do you see, John?”

Shepard still wouldn’t look at him.

“I may have been reckless,” Kaidan went on. “Found my students and kept waiting for you. Although common sense was telling me that you won’t return. To shut my thoughts away somehow, I volunteered for most dangerous, most complicated missions. And I didn’t care what might happen to me. Around that time we were tracking down a gang of prisoners on the run, and one of them turned out to be a very powerful biotic. He could produce fucking spears with his biotics, can you believe this? And I swear, I haven’t seen anything quite like this before and I wasn’t expecting it. One of those hit me right in the back of my head and…at some point I was even glad that everything might be over for me.”

Shepard turned to face him, covering his hand with his own. Kaidan propped himself up on one elbow and told him,

“I’m not trying to upset you now, Shepard, or to blame you in any way. And …, I’m sorry, I just still can’t wrap my head around the fact that you’re here. I just want to say that everything that happened to me and between us, everything we’ve been through, taught me to appreciate what I have at this moment here, now. It taught me to take everything from these little moments in the present, because no one knows for sure what might happen next day, what threats are still waiting for us around the corner.”

“Kaidan, why are you trying to justify things for me? I’m not holding any…”

“John, look, I’m not justifying anything.”

Kaidan’s eyes were glistening, he was obviously very nervous and Shepard couldn’t understand why.

“I’ve been trying to do this from the very beginning of our trip …”

“Do what?”

Kaidan put his hand into the pocket of his jeans, and produced a small black box. He placed it on Shepard’s chest.

John looked at the box, then at Kaidan, then back at the box again. Blue eyes searching, questioning. He took it in his hand and sat up.

“Kaidan…? Isn’t it…by any chance… what I think it is?“

"Open it.”

After a moment’s hesitation, Shepard opened the lid and saw for sure that it was exactly and absolutely what he was thinking - a plain gold ring. John’s eyes widened in surprise. He looked at Kaidan again and met his intense, heart-searching gaze. So that was what it was all about. Shepard’s lips stretched in a lopsided grin.

“You were carrying it with you everywhere? All this time?”

“Is that a "yes”? “ Kaidan asked, sitting up too and settling beside Shepard, still searching for the answer in his eyes.

"Yes,” Shepard told him. “Always yes, Kaidan.”

Kaidan’s features softened, his brown eyes were shining.

“I am truly the luckiest man alive,” he said, smiling.

Shepard pulled him into a hug.

“No, you’re not,” he said. “I’m sure as hell luckier, because I have _you_. And I promise you, from now on, I’m yours, till the end of time.”


	8. Chapter 8

 

 

 

It was late in the evening when they left the orchard and headed back. Kaidan was pondering the idea to invite Shepard into his house on the Sunshine Coast, but still hadn’t gathered enough resolve to do so. He decided that, first of all, they needed to inform his mother. His head was still spinning from the fact that Shepard had accepted him, had agreed to become _his_ , once and for all. Now his whole life seemed to be turning upside down, setting new priorities.

He kept glancing at John, couldn’t really help it, as Shepard was preoccupied with the ring on his left hand, studying it curiously, turning it with his fingers, bringing it to the light from streetlights outside the window, watching it shine. As if it was some yet unknown artifact.

"You know, I too can’t really believe that all this is happening," he said suddenly.

“If things are going too fast for you, just say so.”

"No," Shepard shook his head. “Things are going just the way they should. It's just... shouldn’t we celebrate this day somehow? So that we’ll remember it. Don’t you think?”

“I’ve got some ideas. But they don’t involve wild partying.”

“Oh, they don’t need to. Tell me what you’ve got in mind.”

Kaidan cleared his throat... and decided to grab this opportunity.

"We could go to the Sunshine Coast. You know I have a house there. We could...maybe settle there. Temporarily, of course.”

"Are you suggesting we should start living together?"

Shepard was straightforward, as always.

Kaidan chuckled and shrugged, then looked at Shepard and his eyes were saying _"YES"._

"Well, considering that we already basically lived together on Normandy, I think there won’t be much difference."

"There will be a difference, Shepard. Let me live in the illusion for a bit...”

Shepard put his hand over Kaidan’s knee and squeezed it gently.

"I will gladly agree to this plan, Kaidan. Don’t you know that?”

Kaidan smiled.

At that moment, they heard shots being fired, clear as a day. The sound was coming somewhere from the southern side of the lake.

Shepard sat up in his seat, alarmed.

"You hear that?"

The sound of gun fire was growing louder. Apparently, there was a real mass shooting taking place somewhere out there.

"Should we interfere?" Kaidan asked, gripping the wheel tighter.

A deafening crack of numerous grenades blowing up was added to the gunshots.

"Those are not civilians fighting," Shepard remarked. "We need to interfere, Kaidan."

Kaidan steered the Ford off the main road and soon they drove up to a small abandoned scientific station. The darkness of the gathering twilight was constantly being lacerated with bright flashing stripes of machine-gun shots, mixed with the indistinct commands, but it was impossible to tell who exactly was shooting.

"Hell, it sounds like a whole platoon has been let loose. Why here?” Kaidan wondered, peering intently into the darkness.

“You're right. Perhaps they were working on some secret research?”

“Secret research? On Earth? Right after the war? Damn it, I can’t see shit. Who are they fighting?”

"Maybe the Alliance has already sent someone?" Shepard shrugged.

"Without letting me know?"

Their Ford came to a screeching stop at some distance away from the station. Kaidan killed the engine, and for a moment, tense silence hung over the battlefield.

“Shepard, listen, maybe you should...”

"We're going together, Kaidan. End of conversation.”

"Aye-Aye, Commander."

They got out of the car and hurried to the nearest surveillance tower, pulling out their guns and flicking the safety off on the move. They stopped by the opposite sides of a huge iron door, crashing their shoulders into the concrete wall of the tower. A shot was fired, and the bullet pierced the ground inches away from Kaidan’s foot, ricocheting off the door.

"Kaidan! Sniper!” at that very moment Shepard realized that he could never return to this routine. Whichever force had been driving him to the very thick of events before - disappeared once and for all together with Reapers. And at that moment he wanted to just turn around and get back to the car, get behind the wheel and leave this place. If not for Kaidan, perhaps he would have done so already. Shepard was ashamed of his thoughts, but he was deeply troubled by the likely odds of seeing someone else's death yet again, by fear of losing his major. Another bullet whizzed past his ear, cutting open the skin on his cheek. Then Kaidan grabbed him by the upper arm, and they ran through the door and inside the station, discovering a narrow dark corridor there.

"We'll have to act fast," Kaidan said, and Shepard willed himself to calm down, following the major down the corridor. He was breathing heavily, squeezing the handle of his gun as he was desperately struggling with the sudden surge of panic growing inside of him. The smell of gasoline and gunpowder hit them. They were getting close.

"Whatever happens, stay close to me."

"Kaidan, damn it..."

"Don’t argue with me, Shepard!  We don’t know what's there...”

The corridor ended abruptly, and they found themselves on the square-shaped observation platform of the tower.

Shepard had time to notice a huge glowing device installed right in the middle of the platform, before he was literally deafened by the piercing high frequency sound. It was coming in waves directly from the device, causing the air around it to vibrate softly.

_“What is that thing…”_

He clutched his head, completely stunned by the unbearable noise, and for several agonizing moments he thought his head was going to burst from this torture. Shepard put his right hand over his temple and suddenly the sound became muffled. The sensors on his arm blinked red and were now pulsing faintly, creating some kind of protective field around him. But Shepard didn’t have time to marvel at this unexpected advantage. He looked up, and in the dim light his new eye fixed upon a tall armored man standing near the device, at the opposite end of the platform. He blinked once and the silhouette became clearer, so that Shepard could now discern Cerberus markings on his chest. Those he would never confuse with anything else.

"Cerberus," Shepard hissed through clenched teeth, and a tremendous outrage took hold of him. For the first time in a long while, he felt his own biotics activating, preparing him for a charge, and for the first time in a long while he wasn’t going to fight it. He fixed on the enemy and pushed away from the ground, charging forward: a living biotic bullet. All around him blurred, disappeared behind the bright blue dome, with only one target still visible in the center of it. He was closing in on it in a matter of seconds.  Vanguard Shepard had always been driven by hatred, and his hatred knew no bounds. Rushing at full speed up to the Cerberus agent, he closed his fingers on the man’s helmet in a deadly grip, not even caring to take a look at his face. He saw enough. One wave after another, his biotics were pulsing along his body, scattering around him in bright hissing sparks. He kept squeezing his fingers on the helmet, blind with rage. The agent dropped his weapon, grabbed at his mechanical arm, trying desperately to pry it away from his vulnerable helmet, but Shepard only squeezed his fingers tighter, until the armor under them gave in and cracked, until the visor burst, sending shards of glass  right inside the helmet, until the body under the armor started thrashing in death throes.

"Shepard..." he heard Kaidan’s faint voice behind him. This voice brought him back to reality faster than a whole bucket of ice cold water. The pained expression on his face softened, he unclasped his fingers, peering down at his own bloodied arm in shock. Then he looked back at Kaidan. The major was standing a few steps away from him, leaning on the device heavily. Apparently, he’d just turned it off. Kaidan was weak and barely stood on his feet, blood flowing from his nose.

"Kaidan, this was Cerberus ..., I don’t understand what they're… doing here...."

He rose to his feet, aware of how drastically he was swaying. His biotics had gradually died down, together with the adrenaline in his blood, giving way to common sense. Shepard took a step away from the lifeless body and staggered back to Kaidan.

"I’m sorry, Kaidan," he said, cupping the side of Kaidan's cheek with his left hand and hastily wiping a trickle of blood under his nose. Fortunately, the bleeding seemed to have stopped. “I don’t know what’s come over me, I....”

"That's enough excuses, John," Kaidan said, swatting Shepard's hand away.

Footsteps and loud whispers could now be heard at the opposite end of the platform.

 

_"Was it Shepard?"_

_"It's Commander Shepard himself!"_

_"He is alive, he is here ..."_

Shepard turned around and saw the C-Sec team approaching them.

A turian chief officer came up to him, looked him over intensely, as if he didn’t quite believe his eyes, his mandibles twitched slightly. Then he glanced at the corpse on the floor strewn with glass fragments.

"Commander Shepard?"  he inquired.

Shepard looked down.

"Yes," he said guiltily.

"On behalf of the new security sector, we would like to thank you for swift liquidation of the extremely dangerous criminal."

Shepard peered at the turian in surprise. But the chief officer didn’t seem to be kidding.

"We've been tracking him for months. No one saw him ever since he’d escaped from prison, and then he resurfaced again, this time as a Cerberus extremist. He developed a new kind of weapon that targets biotics, drains their powers, and due to this, it was really hard to catch him.”

“A weapon?" Shepard asked, looking again at the device Kaidan was still leaning on to. “This explains a lot.”

“What are you going to do with the device?” Kaidan asked.

"We'll take it with us for further research. I can only hope they haven’t had time to start mass production of those things. All over the planet criminals continue to plunder the dead Reaper bodies and sometimes they find things that can be extremely dangerous in the wrong hands. Here lies an illustrative example. It’s such a pain in the ass for us. He was holding a group of hostages here at the research station, and was going to demand a huge ransom, as well as a guarantee of his freedom. Thanks to you, Shepard, it’s all in the past now.”

Shepard looked at his blood-stained hand again and shook his head.

"I should go," he said.

He walked over to Kaidan and put his arm around his waist carefully, supporting him as they walked towards the exit, away from the bloody scene. The turians silently watched them go.

Kaidan didn’t speak to him for the rest of the way, he was thoughtful and broody, and Shepard knew perfectly well why.

“I’m sorry,” he said again as they drove into Vancouver, and the countryside was gradually being replaced by urban landscape.

“We didn’t even see his face,” Kaidan said, turning his face away to look in the window.

Shepard bit his lip and sighed. His heart was heavy, and he had no idea how to act and what to say now, how to proceed further on from this point. Back there at the station, he felt so much anger, so much hate … where was it coming from? What had been broken in him to the point that he even forgot his own humanity? Killing an enemy was one thing. Killing them the way he did, cruelly, brutally - this was completely different.

They drove up to the house and got out of the car without saying a word. Shepard kept stealing glances at Kaidan, worrying about him. They entered the elevator and headed for the uppermost floor.

All those circumstances aside, the device was bloody dangerous, and it was a miracle they got lucky like that, it was a miracle he’d been saved from its influence. But instead of disabling it, he … he …

Suddenly, the elevator faltered and came to a stop. The lights inside of it blinked twice and went out, replaced by red emergency light.

“Oh, fuck …” Kaidan snapped, drawing in a deep breath and sliding down the elevator wall until he landed heavily to the floor.

“They say this shit happens pretty often since after the war,” Shepard remarked.

Keidan didn’t reply. He was sitting on the floor, clutching his head. Shepard sighed and knelt down beside him.

“K.,” he called gently. “Talk to me.”

Kaidan cursed quietly, ran a hand over his face.

“What you did there, Shepard, I … just … it’s beyond me.”

Shepard hung his head low.

“I get it,” he admitted, staring at the floor. Kaidan needed time, and he wasn’t going to convince him somehow or justify his own actions.

“We’ve been through so much shit together, and you just keep surprising me. There’re so many layers to you.”

Shepard leaned against the wall next to Kaidan, frowning, rubbing his shoulder. He seemed to be lost in thought. Then he carefully removed the ring from his finger and handed it to Kaidan guiltily.

“Here,” he said, his voice barely audible. “I let you down again.”

“Have you lost your mind??” there was so much reproach and hurt in Kaidan’s voice that Shepard jerked his hand away against his will. “You think I’m offended, that I’m going to reject you just because you killed that asshole?”

Shepard looked at him with those wide-open blues full of innocent surprise.

“Then what is it?” he asked.

“I just don’t want them to make a murder-machine out of you again, John, I don’t want them to use you as a means to achieve some new "noble” goals in the name of humanity, you know? Now this title of the legendary savior is gonna stick to you, and you won’t be able to get rid of it anymore, because, I think, part of you wants this, wants to get back to it, somewhere deep down.“

Kaidan leaned to him, reaching for his hand.

"Allow me,” he said, unclasping Shepard’s fingers, still smeared with drying blood. Shepard didn’t resist when Kaidan took the ring from him, took his hand and slid it back on his finger. The ring fit perfectly. Shepard smiled despite himself.

Kaidan drew him closer, pressing a kiss to his forehead, still holding on to his hand.

“I don’t want you to be taken away from me, do you hear me?” he said firmly. “I don’t want to let you sacrifice for the greater good again, John, you are mine and only mine. You’ve done your duty, and you don’t owe anything to anyone.”

“I know, K., I know. I wanna be with you.”

Kaidan pulled away from him, smiling gently, his features softened now. A thin trickle of blood was oozing from his nose again and down his chin. Shepard reached out and wiped it away hastily. It wasn’t flowing like it did back in the hangar by the sea, but oh, how he hated to be reminded of Kaidan’s state.

“Are you okay?” he asked.

Kaidan smiled faintly at him.

“I’m all right,” he said.

Shepard just shook his head. He put his artificial arm over Kaidan’s shoulder, covered his nape with his palm as he gently felt for the amp port there, and started massaging it with his fingers.

“That damn device took us both by surprise,” Shepard said softly. Kaidan leaned back to meet his touch. “We should’ve stayed in the orchard some more, none of this would’ve happened then. Should’ve better made love till the morning, huh?”

“Talk to me, Shepard,” Kaidan asked, lifting his eyes to him. He wiped away the thin droplets of blood under his nose. Shepard noticed that he almost stopped bleeding and his heart started beating faster. Kaidan closed his eyes and relaxed completely under his touch, trusting him. Shepard’s hand was pleasantly cool, wasn’t warming up from the heat of Kaidan’s amp port but on the contrary, seemed to be cooling it down effectively, stopping it from draining energy out of the exhausted biotic body. Shepard was carefully rubbing the vulnerable spot in circular motions while supporting his head.

“So you liked the orchard? Or what we were doing in it?”

“Both I guess,” he said, leaning in to Kaidan and pressing his cool lips to his hot temple. He felt a fluttering pulse under the skin. “As for the latter, I always love doing this with you, regardless of time and place. Sometimes you just drive me crazy, Kaidan.”

“Is that so?”

“Yeah.”

Kaidan took his free hand then and guided it down between his legs, spreading them for Shepard. He got the hint instantly and deftly undid Kaidan’s fly, snaking his hand inside and wrapping his fingers around Kaidan’s half-hard length. The biotic gasped at the touch, his hips bucked up. Shepard kissed him gently, pushing his tongue in through his parted soft lips, while Kaidan fumbled for his own fly, undoing it and pulling his heavy cock out.

“Don’t stop, talk to me,” he whispered urgently, his breathing getting shallow, ragged, as Shepard stroked him faster, just the way he knew Kaidan liked, until he was fully hard and leaking into his hand.

Kaidan was mimicking his rhythm with his own hand, and Shepard was losing his self-control, desperately thrusting into Kaidan’s hand.

“Sometimes, I imagine in detail how I’d fuck you and I forget about everything, can’t focus. And when you come undone like this, K., because of me, when you’re so hard and ready for me, so ready to trust me…it is always too much. You’re the best thing that ever happened to me. You are my savior, my hope, you know that?”

Kaidan only whimpered softly in response, biting his lower lip and meeting Shepard’s gaze.

“I love you, Kaidan, and I want to show you how much. I want to prove it to you. Nothing can take me away from you. I promise.”

“I love you too, John.”

“Then come for me, Kaidan. Come for me, baby.”

Kaidan shuddered violently under his touch. Shepard felt himself tipping over the edge, his vision darkened and he groaned as his orgasm sent him spiraling into a blissful release. Kaidan came with a loud cry, spilling his own release into his hand. Weak biotic discharge went through his body as Shepard stroked him through the aftershocks.

They both slumped heavily against the wall of the elevator. Shepard noticed that Kaidan’s bleeding had stopped completely, and sighed with great relief.

 “Maybe we should consider getting out of here,” he suggested, when they recovered a bit.

Suddenly, the lights switched on again and the elevator shuddered several times before starting to crawl farther up. Together with lights the communication with control center was also restored,

_“… in the everlasting fuck I’m asking you!! Have you even looked at the time??”_ the operator was shouting in a grumpy old man’s voice. “ _Any goddamn child could fix that fucken generator with an omni-tool.”_

The voice was lost in a coughing fit.

“I think we’re in trouble,” Kaidan said.

_“I’m asking you, have you even looked at the time? Why in the hell do I have to get up at such ungodly hours and drag myself up the whole goddamn mile only to get your sorry asses out of there! I know, oh I know what you kids are up to, getting stuck in those elevators on purpose…”_

“Ehm, mister …” Shepard attempted to speak.

_“I’m no goddamn mister to you, boy!”_ the voice cried out, straining with resentment, reaching an especially high, but hoarse note.

_“Now then, you better tell me your name, I’ll add it to my penalty list here. Gonna nail you bastards down. Mister … ha! ”_

“Commander John Shepard,” John Shepard introduced himself.

The man’s reaction was immediate and full of outrage that knew no bounds. For a moment there Shepard thought that the speaker might explode. He and Kaidan nearly squeezed through the opposite wall of the elevator.

_“Commander John Shepard!!! Commander John Shepard!! And you, you miserable scoundrel, you villain, dare to introduce yourself with this name!!! You should be ashamed!! Commander Shepard was a great man!! He wouldn’t be bothering an old man like me self in the middle of the goddam night with his fucken antics ….”_

Kaidan had enough of that, he stood up and pressed the mute button. It became blissfully quiet then. Both sighed with relief and relaxed, leaning back against the wall. The elevator was still crawling up, painfully slow.

 Kaidan’s omni-tool blinked, signaling about a new video message. He cursed quietly and Shepard felt the tips of his ears flush. It was the first time he heard such words coming from Kaidan. However, the two of them had really had one hell of a day.

It was a very concerned Mrs. Alenko.

“Kaidan, dear, are you alright? We’ve just received news about the attack of Cerberus army on that scientific base just outside our orchard!”

“It’s all right, Mum, I’m fine. And it wasn’t an "army”, just one Cerberus extremist and a small group of his fans. You take things too close to heart, as always. Shepard dealt with him without breaking a sweat. “

"Oh! I hope John isn’t injured!” Mrs. Alenko sounded even more alarmed.

Kaidan moved his omni-tool to focus on Shepard and John waved at the screen heartily, flashing a radiant smile.

“Oh, thank God! You both are safe and that’s what matters! I was so worried! Left you two alone for one minute and look what you’ve gotten yourselves into…. Where are you, by the way?”

Shepard felt beads of sweat forming on his temples.

“We’re in the elevator,” Kaidan explained patiently.

“Why are you still in it? Is it even moving?”

“It does. It broke down though and then the operator apparently decided to unleash on us all the grumpiness he’d been saving up his whole life.”

“Old Archie, he doesn’t like being disturbed late in the evenings when it’s only him and a bottle of his favorite rum. Should I call him?”

“No-no! Don’t worry, we’ll…we’ll take care of it ourselves.”

“Of course.”

“And Mum?”

“Yes, Kaidan?”

“When you come back … we’ll have some news for you. Good news…I hope.”

It was hard to see the expression on Mrs. Alenko’s face due to constant hindering static, but her knowing smile was obvious.

“I cannot wait to hear the news,” she said and disconnected.

“You know, John,” Kaidan said a few minutes later, while the elevator was still crawling up to the top floor. Both of them were standing, leaning against the wall and watching the floor indicators change, flicking on and off one by one. “Come to think of it, our date isn’t half that bad. I expected nothing less when I invited you to Vancouver. I would even say that it’s just a most typical John Shepard kind of vacation.”

“It was a wonderful date,” Shepard remarked, reaching for him and kissing him on the corner of his lips.

When they got out on their floor at last, there were two suspiciously looking men waiting for them by the elevator doors. Shepard pulled out his gun at once and took aim. Instinctively, Kaidan followed his suit. A few fleeting moments later, the hall was filled with their loud laughter. The two suspiciously looking guys were nothing but their own reflections in the mirror wall. Both were so battered and dirty that Shepard wondered how he’d even managed to restrain from actually pulling the trigger and leaving a pattern of bullets on the wall for the tenants to remember.

 

***

Shepard let Kaidan go to the shower first, as he settled on his bed, wearily checking extranet news columns on his datapad. The murder of a highly dangerous criminal hasn’t yet been reported anywhere but he was sure that soon enough this news would surface and then everyone would know for a fact that he was alive, that he was here, in Vancouver. Commander Shepard would once again appear in the spotlight.

John took a deep breath. Most of all he wanted to stay in the shadows, to stay “dead” to humanity and to all those people he’d sacrificed for. He no longer wanted to have anything to do with them.

He remembered about that planet “Shepard”, which James and Garrus mentioned and smiled dreamily….His thoughts were interrupted by a new message. He opened it and read it. His face fell.

Shepard read it again, frowned, bit his lip and shook his head.

“Something wrong?” Kaidan asked him. He’d just come out of the shower, and was drying his raven black hair with a towel. Kaidan caught Shepard’s intent, strained look.

“Kaidan, listen, there’s this thing …”

Shepard sounded guilty for some reason.

“What thing?” Kaidan lowered the towel, and damp unruly curls fell over his forehead. He was absolutely gorgeous and Shepard noted it regardless of his concerns.

“Well I… I’ve just been offered a seat at the Council. Your seat at the Council …”

Kaidan kept strained silence between them for some time.

“Wow,” he said at last, and the tone of his voice seemed to be almost unchanged, even, but Shepard could swear that there was a slight tension lurking in it. “Congratulations!”

“Just what the hell are they thinking! Why would they want to make opponents out of us?”

“I think they’ve just found out that you’re back in business and decided that you might as well be the perfect candidate.” Kaidan tossed the towel aside and climbed into bed. “And I agree with them completely. You are the perfect candidate. The best leader. This position is for you, John. By accepting it, you’ll get a chance to change a lot of things for the better. Nobody is making opponents out of us, on the contrary, you’ll find nothing but my full support in this decision.”

Kaidan leaned down to him and kissed him. He smelled so sweetly of citrus, freshness and something so specifically Kaidan. Shepard thought then that he was the happiest person in the world, and he told the major about it. He felt him smile into their kiss.

“I want you by my side, K. I don’t need anything else,” John said, taking a breath.

“And I’m gonna be there for you, no matter what happens.”

“Even if….?”

“Even if what?”

“Ah, never mind. The rest doesn’t matter.”

Saying this, John unwrapped the second towel from around Kaidan’s waist and pulled him close.

 


	9. Chapter 9

_Night, night full of cold lifeless stars is looming over him again, and Shepard turns his back to it, trying to pretend it’s not there, to hide from it somehow, leave it behind. Deep inside, he already knows that it’s just that same nightmare, and he can wake up from it. All he needs to do is surrender, allow the darkness to consume him. But the fear of being dragged into the open space once again, forgotten and completely alone, is way too overwhelming. And so he limps forward instead, to that place where the voice weeps, still calling him. Determined, Shepard passes mountains of dead bodies until he spots that familiar faint glow ahead._

**_Who might that be?_ ** _he wonders. **A child? A boy he once failed to save?** _

_He limps, he bleeds, he suffocates, but, this time, he knows for sure that he’s going to finally reach his destination. He comes to the very center of the huge hall and sees that the ceiling there has collapsed, and the heavy stone slabs formed some kind of a pyramid._

_"Help me, please, help me"_

_The voice can be heard so clearly now and Shepard realizes that it’s coming directly from under the collapsed slabs._

_Without a moment’s hesitation, he pushes one of them and it slides aside with such surprising ease._

_"Please…"_

_There, among the debris and twisted, torn wires sticking out of the stone, Shepard sees ...himself. What is left of him after the explosion at the Citadel._

_That burned, mutilated…thing, crushed between the slabs, still alive somehow, still trying to get out..._

Shepard tore himself awake from that dream, before it had a chance to kill him. He sat up in bed and bit his knuckles to keep from crying out loud. He was cold, sweaty, shaking all over. Disgusting, ugly panic was tossing inside of him, twisting, scratching its way out. He was feeling sick. He untangled himself from under the crumpled blanket, and nearly ran to the bathroom. There, he turned cold water on and bent over the sink, gripping its edges. He was sure that he was going to puke, needed it to happen, but several agonizing minutes passed and the knot of fear in his stomach gradually began to loosen up. Shepard straightened up, still leaning on the sink, and looked at his reflection in the mirror, barely recognizing this pale, drawn face, covered with a fine sheen of sweat. His eyes were glowing feverishly. He put his hand into cold water and then ran his uncontrollably shaking fingers over his burning face. He felt better at once.

Shepard stepped back from the sink, his legs trembled so much that he could no longer stand and so he sank to the cold tiled floor, leaning against the shower glass and hiding his face in his hands. The horrifying image was still there, present behind his eyes. He wrapped his arms around his knees, and started rocking back and forth gently. He stayed on the floor in that position until the ability to think reasonably returned to him. He lost track of time and didn’t know how much of it had passed: a few minutes, or maybe hours.

When he walked out of the bathroom, he saw that Kaidan was awake and propped up in bed, waiting for him. Concerned, he looked Shepard up intensely.

“Are you okay?” he asked him, when he saw how pale he was. "What happened?"

"I'm ... fine, K. Go back to sleep.”

“Stop with that bullshit. What's up with you, John?”

Shepard flopped heavily into their bed, and ran his hands over his face, taking several deep breaths. His head was still spinning. Kaidan got out of bed, took a glass of water from the table and brought it to Shepard. He accepted it and took several greedy sips before falling back onto the pillows. Kaidan placed the glass on his bedside table and went back to bed, where he carefully covered John's trembling body with the blanket.

"For a while now... I've been having the same nightmare," Shepard admitted.

And he told Kaidan everything from the very start - about the stars, and the voice that had been calling him all this time, ever since the moment when his mind regained the ability to function.

"And then ..." Shepard's voice faltered, and for a long while they were lying in silence, while he was bracing himself up to tell more. It became hard to talk, his vocal cords seemed to have shrunk, as if some invisible fingers closed over them. He cleared his throat. “I pushed the last slab aside and I saw that it was me.”

Shepard was looking at the ceiling with wide glassy eyes, reliving his nightmare again.

Kaidan draw in a sharp breath beside him.

"Come here, John."

Shepard didn’t make any attempt to move, but he didn’t protest when Kaidan carefully turned him over on his side and embraced him from behind, wrapping his strong arms around him.

"Don’t start overthinking these dreams now," he said, his warm breath tickling Shepard's nape. "Whatever you see there, it's just a bad dream, that's all. And then again, maybe it's a good sign that you’ve finally found the answer you were looking for. About that voice and who it belongs to. You’ve been so brave, you’ve been fighting all this time for this.”

John remained silent, but his hand closed over Kaidan's by his chest. Kaidan's thumb started tracing the edges of his gold ring gently, and this tiny gesture alone was comforting John, sending warmth through his tired body, together with the solid feeling of Kaidan's closeness, his breathing and steady beating of his heart.

"If that helps you a bit, I have one recurrent nightmare too," Kaidan went on.

"Really?"  Shepard asked, listening closely. He remembered, on more than one occasion, hearing Kaidan talk in his sleep, hearing him breathe shallowly as if he was hurting. But he never dared to bring up this subject.

“Yeah. I think you might even guess which one.”

"I know which one..." Shepard whispered. "The beam?"

“Yes. To top that, I saw it so often, that somehow I learned to recognize it even in my sleep. Like…I was dreaming it and I knew that it wasn’t real. And I made myself remember that in reality, everything is fine, and you're back. But after that, the dream became even more confusing. As if that wasn’t enough, really. Sometimes now I seem to wake up, and then I realize that I’m still completely alone, in an empty bed. I realize that I lied to myself, that I’ve been convincing myself that you are alive while in fact, you’re not. A nightmare in a nightmare. That’s the worst of all.”

"I'm sorry, Kaidan," Shepard said. "It’ll probably take us really long before we can forget."

“I hope this time will come one day. And yet, there are things, and there’re a lot of them, that I would never want to forget.”

“Drunken Garrus dancing striptease on the table?”

Kaidan chuckled.

“Shit, I forgot, this is my second worst nightmare.”

Now they both were smiling, and Shepard felt his fear retreating. Once again he was safe and comfortable. After all, he had something that is so much stronger than any fears and doubts, any remorse and trauma. Something that he holds tightly in his hands and values the most. A bright warm light that won’t be scared of the dark, no matter how hopeless, infinite and cold it might seem.

"You want to try and get some sleep?" Kaidan asked him, pressing his cool lips to Shepard's shoulder, tracing kisses to his nape, towards his own amp port. Shivers ran down Shepard's spine, when Kaidan covered the vulnerable spot with his lips. Biotics flared in his hands in fine blue threads, and he made no attempt to contain it, he was too absorbed in this pleasant, all-consuming feeling of deep trust.

"Never let go of me, Kaidan," he whispered, plunging into a sweet slumber.

 

***

Shepard woke up the following morning when the sun barely peeked from beyond the horizon. He was standing by the window for a long time, thinking, admiring the view of the English Bay bathed in bright morning sunlight, watching the city slowly come to life. Shepard’s mind was preoccupied with something and at last, he seemed to make a final decision. Deep line between his eyebrows smoothed out, and a little secret smile tagged at the corners of his lips.

Shepard came up with an idea.

 

***

Still sleepy and frantically yawning Kaidan walked into the kitchen, his hair a disheveled mess. He froze in his tracks with an expression of genuine surprise on his face.

"John, what's going on here?" he asked.

“Sit down. I'm making you breakfast," Shepard said, casually gesturing towards the table while keeping his eyes trained on whatever was going on in the fry pan.

Kaidan was taken aback, just a little. He still had his doubts about the smell of something burned that had roused him from his sleep so unceremoniously.

"You ... eh, are you cooking?" he guessed.

“I am. What? Why do you sound so surprised? You don’t trust my cooking skills?”

"I do," Kaidan assured him, padding toward the table. "I just didn’t expect to see you doing that sort of... thing."

He settled down at the table, never taking his eyes off Shepard’s broad back and added thoughtfully,

“John Shepard is cooking bacon and eggs. It's ...a historical event. I'm not sure I deserve to bear witness.”

"Okay, okay," Shepard smiled crookedly. "Don’t be a smart ass, Kaidan. I’m trying the best I can here.”

Saying this, he carefully flipped the bacon and eggs to a plate, took a mug of freshly made coffee from the shelf, and carried all this to the table, placing it in front of Kaidan.

"Wow," the major said, grinning. “Looks really good.”

Shepard leaned towards him and kissed his forehead, then his lips.

"Good morning," he said.

"Good morning," Kaidan replied. "And you’re making it the best morning of my life."

“Am I?” Shepard caressed Kaidan’s cheek and cupped it gently. Kaidan covered his hand with his own, turned into his touch and kissed his palm, gazing at him with eyes full of tenderness. Shepard's heart jumped desperately in his chest, and he thought he was going to melt right there and now.

The breakfast turned out to be quite good, and edible. Kaidan made sure to tell about this to John, who accepted the praise with a wide smile not devoid of a certain amount of pride. Kaidan thought at that moment that he could never get enough of how brightly those blue eyes were shining. He hadn’t seen Shepard so alive and so full of strength ever since before the Reaper war and he would do anything in his power for him to always stay that way. Also, it was true, he was pleasantly surprised with the former commander’s cooking talents.

"From now on, you’re going to be responsible for cooking," he said, drinking up the last of the really good coffee, which must have taken Shepard a great deal of effort to make too.

"I don’t mind," Shepard remarked. "Besides, I always wake up first anyway. I noticed that you’re a bit of sleepyhead and like to stay in bed late.”

"Especially with you around. Now that I can afford it, why not."

Shepard tilted his head and ran a hand over his chin. A thoughtful expression was back on his face.

"Listen, Kaidan, I wanted to discuss something with you," he said. "It’s about yesterday's message from the Council."

"What’s there to discuss," Kaidan shrugged. "I thought we agreed yesterday, didn’t we? I don’t mind if...”

"I'm going to turn that offer down," Shepard said, rubbing the back of his head.

“Turn it down??” Kaidan exclaimed, surprised. “Why?”

"It’s really sweet, you know, how you’re so supportive of me, but, Kaidan, I kept thinking about it and I realized that you are a much better candidate for this position."

“I’m…no…what the hell, John. _Really?_ You must be kidding me.”

“No, I'm absolutely serious. Listen, just think about it for a minute, just imagine me in the Council. You know I don’t tolerate politics much, it’s easy to piss me off and the Council has already done so more than once. Besides, I make mistakes, Kaidan. I’ve made some really shitty decisions in the past, acted badly, lost my way.”

"All for the right and noble cause, John ..."

“Yes. Yes you’re right. But, you, Kaidan. You always know for sure, what decision to take. And you’ve always known your way, always reflected upon your actions and tried to justify them. You ask yourself, before taking the next step. You probably never noticed this, I know your modesty wouldn’t allow it. But I’ve always admired your innate sense of justice, your ability to tell the truth from lies, see the right and wrong. No, if there’s to be a human ambassador in the Council, it must be you.”

"John ... I..." Kaidan tried to find some way to object, tried to tell that it wasn’t all true, but his former commander's gaze was so determined, so confident. “Are you sure?”

“Absolutely.”

"Well then... yes, of course. Yes. If you wish it that way. I’ll accept.”

Shepard beamed.

"This is the best option. And it’s a win-win for both of us."

Kaidan smiled back at him. He knew that Shepard had wanted this for a while, for him to leave active military service. He felt it too, that it was time to step down, time to devote himself to other, much more important matters in this new life.

"I’ll have to constantly hang out at all those Council meetings, you know, somewhere on the new Citadel, or even farther away, all around the Milky Way," he said.

“This shouldn’t be a problem. I could easily pull some strings and become... hmm, say, your advisor. And then I'll be able to look after your perfect ass anywhere.”

Kaidan laughed. His heart felt lighter somehow, as if heavy weight had been lifted from it. Yes, he could already picture their future, and the thought of it made his heart tingle with happiness. He was drowning in John's bright blue eyes, hoping that he was feeling the same way.

"And I, after yours," he said dreamily.

Shepard covered his hand, giving him the sweetest kiss.

 The sun had gone high above the English Bay by now, leaving a shining white-gold glade over the soft and calm waves.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here goes the last chapter!

It was a cold and rainy day. A pitch-dark veil of clouds was hanging over London, and not a single sunbeam could break through it. In the dank morning fog a cemetery rested, the bleary outlines of its tombstones sticking out like spikes of some ancient beast. There, in its eternal stillness, Normandy crew had gathered by David Anderson’s resting place. All of them kept silent as they were standing with their heads bowed, all lost in thought, paying homage to the one who’d played a key part in saving of their world.

All of them were present: James Vega, Garrus and Tali, Urdnot Wrex, Grunt, Joker and EDI, Traynor, Kaidan and Shepard and even Javik, who’d joined them in the very last minute. Liara was holding him by the arm.

Shepard had found Javik, just as he’d promised her. However, finding him proved to be the easiest thing. The prothean was sighted at the very same spot where they’d once discovered his pod. He was sitting on its ruins, rapt in deep and dramatic contemplation. Later, he admitted to the crew that he wasn’t ready to part with this life and reunite with his people. After all the sacrifices that Shepard had made for the Galaxy, it seemed disrespectful and reckless to commit such a deed. His knowledge was immense and could still be useful in the coming future, in laying the foundation for a new life where all the races would coexist peacefully and in close cooperation. At least for now.

Shepard walked up to the grave and laid a wreath of splendid flowers by it. He ran his hand along Anderson’s name, carved into the stone, paying his last silent respects for everything that Anderson had done for him. And, for him personally, the man meant so much more than for the rest of them. Anderson had become a father figure to him, the one he always admired, and will remember for the rest of his days. This moment, the moment they met again for the first time since the Citadel and the beam, symbolized the end of a cycle of sorts…. On a much smaller scale than the Reaper cycle, but no less important for Shepard. The cycle that began when he sacrificed himself, then came back from the ashes, and managed to get back on his feet again, found the new purpose in life. Now, from this moment on, a new cycle would start, and Shepard was ready.

He stepped back, took Kaidan’s hand: the rings on their fingers now complemented each other perfectly. The crew of Normandy remained silent for a while more, then, one by one, they started to leave.

All of them came to London to attend the ceremony of Kaidan’s appointment as the human ambassador. The new Citadel was still in the process of being rebuilt, so it had been decided to hold the event in London, given that Kaidan was born on Earth and given all the significance of London for the entire human race.

Normandy was docked not far from the cemetery, and, as Joker said, she was always ready to take orders from one captain only. She was always waiting for Shepard’s return.

 

  
***

  
By the side of the docking area, for all the ranking servicemen in general, and for the Normandy crew in particular, a hotel had been designated and a private reception had been organized for them at the hotel restaurant few hours before the start of the event. Many guests were arriving there in anticipation of the festive ceremony. Many of them Shepard hadn’t seen ever since the darkest times of the war. There was Wrex’s clan and several other krogan clans, Tali in the company of admirals Shala'Raan and Zaal'Koris, the asari commandoes, salarian scientists, all gathered together under one roof.  
  
Many of them also hadn’t had a chance to see Shepard yet, and could hardly believe their eyes, could hardly believe that he was alive. They were eager to shake his hand, to get his attention and ask him questions, and Shepard patiently answered all of them, in his turn, asking them about how they were settling in the absence of the Reaper threat.

Soon however, the reporters showed up and were starting to get more and more annoying by the minute. So, while searching for Kaidan out of the tail of his eye, Shepard initiated his plan of gradually sneaking away from the restaurant, where the excitement kept growing before the much anticipated ceremony. But Kaidan was nowhere to be seen.

Shepard walked out into the hall and headed for their room, hoping to find Kaidan there. He bumped into Tali on his way. She was standing by the window wall, studying the view of the newly rebuilt city. The view was beautiful in its own way, even though now it was slurred with a gloomy film of rain and poor weather. But farther away, by the line of the horizon, the sun was peeking out, and its rays reflected from the graceful curve of the Normandy’s body, which was visible from here, if only one knew where to look.

“How are you, Shepard?” she asked him. “Kaidan was going to the room, if you’re looking for him.”

“Thanks, Tali. And I’m fine. Truly, fine. What about _you_?”

"It all seems so strange to me,” Tali said thoughtfully.

“What do you mean?”

"This … world,” Tali shrugged. “Shepard. All these years my people were at constant war. Before the Reapers we had geth, and there was no end to fighting. But now… this peace seems so unusual. Much like back on Rannoch. I think sometimes that I can’t embrace it.”

“Tali,” Shepard came closer to her and put a hand on her shoulder. "I know what you mean. I feel the same way too sometimes. Sometimes I wake up in the morning, and out of habit I want to put on my armor and take my gun and go into battle. Because it did fall into a habit. But, believe me, it’s much easier to get used to peace than it is to war. It’ll take time, maybe a lot of it. But you get used to it. Even if all this… experience left an indelible imprint. You get used to it.”

"You’re happy, Shepard,” Tali said suddenly, ascertaining rather than asking.

Shepard removed his hand from her shoulder, and pondered her words for a moment. Faint smile tagged at the corners of his lips.

“Yes,” he admitted. “And you, Tali, aren’t _you_ happy?”

Tali chuckled good-naturedly behind her protective suit.

“This ability to be infinitely happy because of another person has always delighted me in humans,” she said. “Quarians cannot feel that way. We perceive the world differently, and in many ways, much deeper than you. But love, it really transforms humans. I’m happy, Shepard. In my own way, I’m very happy. Because I have Garrus, and such wonderful friends. I couldn’t even dream about something like that. But you are right, it might take me a very, very long time. I am so happy for you, though.”

Shepard took a step towards her and took her in his arms. Tali laughed and hugged him back. And at that moment Shepard was sure that she told him the absolute truth. He was really happy, like he’d never been before, neither in his childhood, nor in his youth, much less so in the years of war. But he had such great friends now, his most loyal family, and he had Kaidan.

Kaidan was located safely in their room. When Shepard came in, he was standing in front of the mirror in his new dress uniform, critically contemplating his reflection.

Shepard froze in his tracks right by the door, forgot how to breathe for a moment. Might just as well go right into space without a protective suit. But oh Kaidan …that blue uniform fit his figure perfectly, emphasizing his broad shoulders, clinging to the graceful curve of his back, his muscled thighs. The gold of his shoulder straps was gleaming in the sunlight that had made its way through the clouds.

"Wow,” was all John managed to utter.

Kaidan jumped nervously. He hadn’t heard Shepard come in. When he saw John, he gave him a warm smile, and turned to his reflection once again, smoothing down his hair that was greying rapidly at his temples. With a crooked grin, Shepard proceeded to the wardrobe where he fumbled for his own dress uniform.

“Damn it, John. Moments like this I realize just how much I hate all these ceremonies, formal speeches and crowds,” he admitted, turning his side to the mirror, still lost in that critical observation of himself. John bit his lip. The sight was truly tempting and his military pants were suddenly too tight and confining. However, he could never expect anything less with Kaidan.

“Have you come up with some speech?” he asked, laying his uniform out on the bed.

“Yeah, sure. But I have a feeling that once I go up there, I’ll forget it anyway.”

“You’ll do fine, Kaidan. Speech or no speech. You look so good,” Shepard approached him, turned him around, and met the look of those warm whiskey-brown eyes. “It’ll be over in no time, you won’t even notice. All you need to do is go up there and leave after a couple of minutes. You said it yourself. It’s nothing but a formality.”

"I know, Shepard, I know. But the waiting and preparing get the better of me.”

Shepard adjusted the medal on his chest, set the gold chain right, then put his hands on Kaidan’s tensed shoulders, touching his neck with the tips of his thumbs as he gazed at him affectionately.

"Formalities are an unavoidable side effect when you move farther up the ladder,” he said. “But you will do fine. Kaidan. You just need to… relax a little.”

"If only that was this easy,” Kaidan said with a quiet chuckle.

The velvety sound of his voice never failed to do it for Shepard. He felt arousal shoot through his body down to his groin. His hands were already working of their own accord, unbuttoning that blue-golden uniform.

“What are you doing?” Kaidan asked, watching his easy movements.  
  
“Undressing you,” Shepard said. “There’s still time and I want to help you relax some.”  
  
“Oh…,” was Kaidan’s response. John went down to his knees and undid Kaidan’s pants. Shepard heard him gasp as his heated body was being exposed to the cool air while he was carefully dragging his pants down along his muscled legs.  
  
“Step out of them,” he commanded softly and Kaidan did as he was told.  
  
“We don’t want them to get dirty, do we?” Shepard said arching his eyebrow.  
  
“No we don’t,” Kaidan replied, carding his fingers through Shepard’s perfectly groomed soft hair.  
  
“That’s right,” Shepard smirked at him but instead of standing up he leaned forward and took Kaidan’s cock in his mouth, stealing a surprised moan from him.  
  
“Oh, _fuck_ , John!” Kaidan’s knees nearly gave out, and Shepard’s hands went up to grip his thighs and help him steady himself. Kaidan went hard in his mouth almost instantly. Shepard took him deeper in and hummed his approval, swallowing around his length. That got him another languid _“Fuuck”_ from the future humanity ambassador. Kaidan pulled apart the flaps of his unbuttoned jacket to see him better.  
  
Shepard looked up to meet those darkened brown eyes, as he swirled his tongue expertly around the head one more time before pulling him out of his mouth with a slight popping sound.  
  
“Want me to stop and get back to drilling that speech of yours?” he asked.  
  
Kaidan’s pupils were blown, his cheeks flushed. Such a beautiful sight to behold. His eyes followed Shepard hungrily as he leaned in to place a teasing kiss to the tip of his aching cock.  
  
“No,” Kaidan said breathlessly. “Fuck the speech.”  
  
“You sure have dirty mouth today, Councilor,” Shepard said. “So unprofessional. I should probably shut you up?”  
  
“You should certainly tr… _uhhh_ ”  
  
Shepard didn’t let him finish that banter as he wrapped his soft lips around Kaidan’s length again, taking him deeper into his mouth, almost to the base, and, gagging slightly, he pulled back a little. Kaidan’s hands were back in his hair, guiding him, setting the rhythm but giving him a chance to adjust. Soon Shepard started to work him up with his tongue again, gliding it along the vein, as he sucked him in even further down to his throat until he took him all in. Keeping his trembling thighs steady with his mechanical hand, he reached up between Kaidan’s legs with the other one to cup his balls and fondle him gently. He wasn’t able to look up anymore but he could hear Kaidan’s uncontained moaning above him and he moaned in response, sending sweet vibrations through his lover’s cock. Shepard needed desperately to reach down for his own, still straining against the confinement of his military pants.  
  
He kept the established rhythm for a while, making sure to give Kaidan all the pleasure, until he brought him close to the edge. He’d learnt to pinpoint this moment with remarkable precision by now, listening to how his lover’s breathing was starting to get shallow, feeling how the muscles of his abdomen went rigid with tension. And then he pulled away from him abruptly, had to nearly push him away this time, a shiny strip of saliva still connecting him to Kaidan.  
  
“Sit, “he said hoarsely. “On the bed.”  
  
Kaidan made an unsure step back and nearly stumbled onto it, spreading his legs for Shepard dutifully. Shepard put his hand on Kaidan’s knee for support and shifted on the floor to get closer. He undid his pants and pulled out his own heavy length, stroking it while Kaidan watched him, biting his lips impatiently and flushing even more.  
  
Still on his knees, Shepard moved closer, bowed down between Kaidan’s parted legs and licked his slightly swollen lips before taking him back into his mouth, this time, determined to get him to finish. The sight of him alone was nearly enough for Kaidan to come.  
  
“Shepard, _please_ …,” he begged. Shepard met his eyes, so full of want, and worked him faster, swirling his tongue diligently, lapping it over the leaking slit. Concentrating all his attention there, and never breaking the eye contact, he reached his hand to stroke along the base of Kaidan’s cock and then further down, to tease at his entrance before he probed one finger into him.  
  
Kaidan threw his head back and let out a loud cry as he came, shuddering all over, fucking into Shepard’s mouth, as he held him tightly by the hair. It took no more than few urgent tugs before Shepard followed him, spilling his own release into the palm of his hand.

“Is it better now?” Shepard asked him, climbing onto the bed over Kaidan’s completely relaxed body after he’d caught his breath a little.

“Oh yeah,” Kaidan sighed contentedly, reaching out for John. “You know me too well.”

“There’re still two hours before the ceremony, I might get to know you even better. Just say the word.”

“What ceremony?”

Shepard let out a laugh.

“No idea actually. Heard some guy is being appointed to the Council today.”

“Great. That guy just got lucky.”

 

***

 

The ceremony was held in the main hall of the newly built Parliament building. Admiral Hackett started it with briefing the enormous audience on the events of the last year, reminding everyone how important it was for humanity and the entire galaxy to remember what happened on that day exactly one year ago. How important it was to remember that that particular event had become the main basis for a new era not only for humankind, but for all the races in general. How important it was to maintain close and mutually beneficial relations, and to help each other rebuild the planets and cities that had suffered from the war. He finished his speech by saying that to do all this, first and foremost, it was necessary to make sure that this whole process was led by people who could be trusted, who had proved time and again that they were able to defend honor of the galaxy and save lives. People, whose names were known by everyone.

After the admiral, each member of the Council had their say and it seemed like an eternity had passed before they finally got to the main point. The turian ambassador noted that the seat in the Council reserved for humanity representative had been vacated in tragic circumstances, and that Anderson’s heroic deed had convinced them once and for all that humans were crucial and much needed for the Council. The salarian ambassador noted that he would gladly have given this position to Commander Shepard (that was greeted with an enthusiastic response from the audience), but Commander Shepard, who, as everyone already knew, was alive and well and present at the ceremony, modestly declined to take the seat, which, by the way, he was simply obliged to accept as it was reserved for him specifically (one more approving roar of the audience). Shepard only shook his head. _Salarians! They never change._ The asari ambassador however managed to somewhat smooth the raging situation, saying that among those of human race there were people whom even Commander Shepard himself considered more worthy of the seat in the Council.

“And from now on the position of the new humanity ambassador shall be assigned to the Alliance Officer, Second Human Spectre Major Kaidan Alenko.”

Shepard eagerly joined the cheers this time, his blue eyes shone with pride, when Kaidan who’d been modestly standing in the back with the other officers all this time, walked up to the stage. He handled his speech perfectly, changed it a bit and shortened it, but there wasn’t a slightest trace of that nervousness and tension that Shepard had witnessed several hours earlier, neither in his voice nor in his bearing. Kaidan was amazing and Shepard once again was convinced that he would make a much better ambassador than himself. Lost in admiration of the way Kaidan looked and sounded, he didn’t notice how the speech had taken a completely new turn, and just like that, easy and effortlessly Kaidan was dedicating his appointment to the man without whom none of this would ever happen, without whom the world would now be empty and dark, and ruled by the soulless machines, deprived of life. To the man who, without any doubt, deserved to share that stage and that ovation with him, who, by all means, deserved all the attention and to whom every living being in the Milky Way owed their lives. A man who had completely, although not at once, won his absolute trust as well as his heart.

“I would like to invite to this stage our cherished hero, my commander and dear husband, John Shepard.”

And as he was saying this, Kaidan looked directly at him and held out his hand, inviting him to get up and join him.

For a few moments Shepard remained glued to his seat, taken by surprise with how all the attention had shifted to him so suddenly. But then Kaidan offered him that warm smile, and before he knew it he was getting up to the sound of everyone’s enthusiastic clatter. He smoothed out the folds of his dress suit and headed to the stage. Shepard took Kaidan's hand and Kaidan deftly pulled him up, just like he often did on the battlefield when helping Shepard to get into Steve’s shuttle. _Absolute trust._ And John was ready to trust him _now, in anything, forever._

The crowd was deafening. Vaguely, Shepard could hear them chanting his own name, but all this had narrowed down to nothing but a distant background noise. Kaidan took a shining medal from the stand, walked up to him and gently fixed it on his chest, among the numerous others. It read _"Order of Special Merit for the Milky Way"_. Kaidan’s hand lingered on his chest, and Shepard felt his heart pounding heavily beneath it. He covered Kaidan's hand with his, never taking his gaze off those sweet brown eyes glimmering with boundless and pure devotion. The roar of the crowd became absolutely unimportant then. Shepard drew Kaidan closer and planted a feathery kiss on his lips. Kaidan chuckled into it, caught off guard, but leaned into it eventually, tilting his head a little and responding. The kiss was fleeting, lips barely brushing together, and lasted just over five seconds, but it was enough to make the crowd go completely _loco,_ as James would’ve said. The cameras were flashing, blinding everyone around, people started fussing and jumping about, and the shouts of reporters grew really desperate.

Shepard cracked a sly smile, and quirked an eyebrow in response to Kaidan's questioning look. The new ambassador of humanity shook his head, unable to contain his own grin. He threw his arm over Shepard’s shoulders and led him away from the stage, away from all the drama they had both initiated.

As soon as the ceremony was over, they hurried out of the main hall, where the reporters were about to start setting barricades, in the hope of trapping them and luring them to give an interview.  Camera flashes blinded them, when they walked out; questions were shot at them faster than bullets.

"It's all your fault, John," Kaidan told him, as they were fighting their way out.

"Sorry. Couldn’t help it," Shepard said. "You're no better, you know. It was your idea to invite me to the stage. Should have known what you were signing up for.”

"Yeah-yeah, no one can resist the charms of the great hero of the galaxy. How could I forget," Kaidan joked.

"What can I say? I'm irresistible."

They both laughed, as they took a turn to the emergency stairs, in order to bypass all the obstacles set up on their way by the reporters.

Soon they arrived back to the hotel, where, by the doors to their room, Dr. Esther was waiting for them. Shepard's heart skipped a bit, his face fell. As much as he respected her, her appearance always crashed him back to reality, reminding him that in his life, in his life with Kaidan, there still remained unresolved and inevitable questions. To top it all, he hadn’t showed up at the hospital this past month for a much-needed check-up.

"My congratulations, Councilor Alenko, Commander Shepard," she said warm-heartedly, walking up to meet them.

"Dr. Esther. Thank you,” he said, feeling Kaidan let go of his hand, and secretly preparing for the worst.

"Forgive me for intruding at such a joyful moment," she said. "But the matter is important, and I was afraid that it won’t be easy to reach you afterwards."

"No need to apologize, Esther, we both owe you our lives," Kaidan said.

"I’ve got good news for you," she said. Kaidan and Shepard exchanged glances, not believing what they were hearing.

“Do you remember that biotic device you two discovered back in Vancouver?”

"Hard to forget," Shepard said, trying to guess what Cerberus extremist could possibly have in common with the medical issues.

“My team spent a lot of time studying it and yesterday we made an unexpected discovery. The properties of the device, on a smaller scale, of course, can be used for medical purposes, to enhance the operability of biotic implants. We were able to develop small amplifier for a biotic port from the core of that device. This amplifier will help to maintain control over the implant and prevent further failure of its functionality. We all know that replacing the flawed L2 in your case is extremely risky. But now it won’t be necessary. I believe, Mr. Alenko, that we are now able to solve your little issue and save your implant.”

Shepard's heart was ready to jump out of his chest by now.

"Esther, this is the best news I've heard in the last year," he said, not recognizing his own voice.

"That's why I decided to let you know about it right away," Dr. Esther replied, accepting Shepard's handshake and Kaidan’s warm embrace.

"Aw," she mumbled, confused, shy. “I hope ... this will also prompt you two to show up for a check-up before you start off with your endless wanderings around the space... or, your further life together.”

"Now we’ll most definitely come to visit, Esther. Rest assured."

“Once again, my congratulations, and I wish you happiness. Both of you.”

 

***

 

Later that night all the special guests of honor were assembling at the hotel bar to celebrate the successful end of the ceremony in a less formal atmosphere. John and Kaidan decided to join the party late in the evening, when all the fuss had died down a little and those still remaining at the bar weren’t as noisy. The music was a bit too loud and the air a bit too hot, but overall the bar was pretty cozy and not too crowded. They met James, who was giving some rather drunken wrestling lessons to his new team of young recruits. There was also Joker, who was giving dance lessons to EDI. When they saw Shepard and Kaidan, they waved at them, and Joker cracked some, no doubt dirty, joke, which fortunately neither of them could hear behind deep music bass. A little farther away a tall, angular form of Garrus could be seen and a fragile form of Tali by his side. She was staring at the bar counter, apparently bored and, judging by the way she was swaying from side to side, the emergency induction port was doing its job just fine.

Shepard took a seat at one of the available tables located farther in the semi-darkness of the bar, while Kaidan went to the counter. As Kaidan was waiting for the drinks to be served, an asari approached him and started a conversation. It soon became obvious that Kaidan was looking for an excuse to get away from her, but the asari seemed to be very persistent. And beautiful, too beautiful. Kaidan returned to their table with two glasses of whiskey on ice and a blush on his cheeks.

“You seem to be very popular tonight?” Shepard told him playfully.

“She just wanted to congratulate me on my appointment. Said she liked the speech.”

“Yeah, sure,” Shepard retorted, raising an eyebrow.

“Shepard,” Kaidan chuckled and took a sip of his favorite whiskey. “Now, don’t tell me you’re jealous.”

“Jealous? Me?? Not at all!” Shepard protested, noting against his will that the jealousy was in fact making itself known in a most treacherous manner. In order to mask it, he took a sip of whiskey too. “I know that you’ve always had a weak spot for asari…is all.”

This made Kaidan let out a laugh.

“What?” Shepard asked. “Don’t you want to invite her to a dance?”

Kaidan looked at him slyly. In the dim light of the bar his eyes were glowing affectionately, but at the same time, playfully, daringly, their color a perfect match to the color of the expensive drink in their glasses. Shepard couldn’t tell for sure why he was starting to feel a bit drunk - was it because of the whiskey, or because of those eyes?

Kaidan shrugged his shoulders, never getting his eyes off Shepard.

“You know, I’ve never danced with an asari before,” he said carefully.

“So what’s stopping you?”

“Do you want me to invite her?”

Shepard drank some more whiskey, turned the glass in his hands, thinking.

“Why not?”

“And you aren’t going to mind?”

“It’s your day, Kaidan. I want your every wish fulfilled. You’ve never danced with an asari, so don’t miss the opportunity.”

“Alright.”

Kaidan downed his whiskey, got up from the table, took off his jacket, remaining only in his shirt. He then winked at Shepard and headed to the dance floor. Shepard had no idea why he did this, why he’d even suggested this strange fling, because, in actual truth, jealousy started eating away at him mercilessly when he saw Kaidan inviting that same asari. He knew that Kaidan loved him, knew that he was faithful to him, but at the same time, a pang of bitterness was absolutely unavoidable. Shepard straightened the collar of his dress suit and gulped down his whiskey.

That asari was as determined in dance as she was at the bar counter where she approached Kaidan for the first time, and she almost certainly didn’t suspect that Shepard was watching them. Her hands soon started wandering along Kaidan's body, sliding from his broad shoulders down to the small of his back, ghosting over his abdomen, pulling him closer. Several times Shepard had to fight the unbearable temptation to get over there and pry Kaidan away from her. For his part, Kaidan was making an effort exclusively for Shepard. His movements were slow and graceful and ... perhaps...seductive even. He kept stealing glances at Shepard as if making sure to let him know that it was all just for him, just because he wanted this.

_To see how Kaidan dances with an asari! Damn it, Commander, did the Reapers fucked with your brain this much_.

The music changed to a slower, rhythmical tune and the asari boldly pulled Kaidan to her, caressing his back, searching his eyes with hunger. Shepard looked down and stared into his empty glass. His cheeks were burning.

“Hey.”

John looked up. Kaidan was standing next to him, leaning over the table.

"What does a fine-looking man like you doing here all alone?"

"Being jealous," Shepard admitted.

"Oh, is that so. Perhaps a dance might help to wipe that sadness away from your face, sir?"

A smile was already forming on Shepard's lips when he accepted Kaidan's hand and let himself be led to the dance floor.

"How did you get rid of her so quickly?" he asked, taking Kaidan into his arms.

“Well, I told her I'm not alone here. Told her that all this time Commander Shepard has been watching us.”

Shepard smirked.

“That was cruel.”

“Maybe. I think by now you won’t be able to find her anywhere in the entire hotel or its vicinities.”

“So what do you think?”

“About what?”

"Dancing with asari?"

"Oh! That...," Kaidan shifted closer to Shepard, put his lips to his ear and whispered, "It’s so much better with you."

His whisper and the warmth of his breath was followed by a light touch of his cool lips against Shepard’s earlobe, and that was when Shepard's head started spinning for real, much faster than they both were moving to the slow beat of music. Kaidan was there, and Shepard felt like a complete idiot for being jealous. The way Kaidan danced with him was so different from that show-off with the asari. He was so close, Shepard could feel every curve, every bump of his heated body, and he let his hands sink lower down his back. Their noses bumped into each other, and time seemed to have lost all meaning when their lips met in a burning kiss. Shepard only wanted this moment to last forever.

"I love you, John," Kaidan told him, taking his hand.

"I love you too, more than anything," Shepard replied.

"Let's get out of here, huh? It’s too hot in here.”

Shepard nodded. They took a whole bottle of whiskey from the bar, and headed off to the exit, after saying goodbye to the Normandy crew members and leaving them behind in various stages of intoxication.

Flushed and full of life, they walked out into the streets of London. The evening was cool and their breath was misting the night air. They headed towards the docks, still holding hands tightly, sharing a bottle of whiskey along the way and trading silly jokes.

“So strange to walk these streets now,” Shepard said, his tongue tripping over each word.

“How so?” Kaidan asked.

“They are now, like streets again,” Shepard concluded. “Well, you know, K., like the proper streets of London.”

“Ah!” Kaidan said. “I think I got the point.”

Shepard retrieved a bottle from him and took a gulp from it.

“Seems like only yesterday, we were fighting like hell to just cross these few fucking blocks, because everything around here was literally swarmed with beasts, husks, banshees, mutated turians and other shit.”

“You ever miss those days?” Kaidan asked him, struggling to regain control over his tongue.

Shepard pondered the question for a while.

“Sometimes,” he replied.

“Yeah, me too,” Kaidan said.

“You think…you think that makes us bad people?”

Kaidan shrugged, sliding his arm around Shepard’s waist.

“I don’t know what that makes us, John. But we are the same in this.”

“Yes. Yes you are right. We are the same.”

“And this only makes me realize again just how much I want to spend the rest of my life with you.”

They were walking along the moonlit Thames, when Shepard pulled Kaidan into his arms, and gave him a kiss, which changed eventually from feathery and soft, to a more insistent, open and full of deep emotion. Hot tears were rolling down his cheeks.

“Sorry, K., I think I’m so fucking drunk I- _I_ can’t control myself,” he said, sniffling.

“T’s all right,” Kaidan said, and their lips met again. The river ran peacefully beneath, under the bridge where they were standing. They walked a little farther along it, before the night claimed the city completely and the wind became too chilly.

“Ehm…hey, do you remember the way back?” Shepard asked suddenly.

“No,” Kaidan admitted after a moment. “But look, there’s Normandy ahead of us. Do you see her? We could maybe…”

“Let’s go.”

 

***

 

Shepard had a very vague recollection of what happened next. He remembered only how he woke up on board Normandy, in his cabin, in his bed, with Kaidan sleeping peacefully in his arms. They were so entangled with each other that John could hardly figure out his own limbs from Kaidan’s. He was lying motionless, in the half-dark cabin that remained completely unchanged since that last night before London. The only light source in the room was the glow of VI aquarium, where his fishes were still dwelling. Someone remembered to look after them after his… "death." Shepard looked up at the clear London sky, dotted with a scattering of sparkling stars. It was easy to imagine that they were traveling through space now, leaving behind light-year after light-year. Cold, lifeless eerie darkness....

However, these stars weren’t holding him in fear, weren’t carrying a deadly threat. On the contrary, they were familiar, kindred to him, just like that cabin, just like Normandy. Shepard’s feet seemed to have found their way here on their own. Shepard couldn’t deny that he wanted to try and go out there, to those stars, to conquer them, once again, one after another, because once you experience them, it's so hard to quench this need, ever. No, these stars weren’t frightening him, because he knew that he wouldn’t be going to them alone. Because he knew that whatever had happened to him on the Citadel, whatever he had to go through, no matter how broken he had been - he was now saved. And, however trivial that might sound, he was saved by love, because only love could be strong enough to pull him out from under the wreckage of his life, from under the whole world that crushed him with its weight.

Shepard smiled.

"What are you thinking about?"

He startled. He was so preoccupied with his thoughts that he hadn’t noticed when Kaidan woke up.

John's features softened and Kaidan couldn’t help but marvel at how young he looked at that moment. It seemed that his age count had been reversed somehow and the imprint of all the hardships had miraculously disappeared. Kaidan knew that it was only a temporary illusion, but still he was fascinated by this unusual phenomenon.

"I’m thinking that life never actually ends, Kaidan," John said, shifting the unfathomable pools of his eyes away from the starry sky to look at Kaidan.

"I think that every time we take off and go up there," Shepard nodded toward the stars," we’ll live forever, we’ll live our lives again and again..."

"John," a smile was ghosting over Kaidan's lips.

“What?”

"Either I had too much whiskey tonight, or your philosophy is way too deep."

Shepard chuckled, his eyes now full of affection, boundless love, and gratitude.

"I just realized that I want to go up there again," he pointed to the stars.

"We could easily arrange that," Kaidan said. "After all we're on board of the Normandy, Commander. She could take us anywhere."

For a long time they stayed silent. Timidly, uncertainly, Shepard was opening the door of his heart, taking a chance to let in a ray of hope.

“That’s right. So, can we start this life, Kaidan? You and me, I mean. Can we make it? After everything ... _after everything_...”

"I know what you mean. And I know that empty promises of a happy ending won’t mean anything. But we are here, everything is fine, and I love you very much. And we can try, we can try, John.”

" _We_ have a future, right?"

“We have a future.”

The future was very close, by their side, they were holding it in their arms. The future was starting now.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!


End file.
